Ask Mrs Figgins
- Free Advice & opinion on everyday issues – marriage, children, friendship, love, etiquette, politics & faith – dispensed by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Here come the in-laws!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:  

My fiancé and I are in a quandary.   His mother and father actually told him that the bride’s parents should pay for hotel accommodations on the groom’s side of the family.  That will be 9 separate rooms for 3 days. 

His mother said it’s enough that their family is paying for airline tickets. 

My parents are not only paying for the entire wedding, they’re also paying for the rehearsal dinner.   I don’t think it’s fair, nor do I have the heart, to ask my parents to also pay for hotel rooms for his family.  

I don’t know how to handle this. 

Bride in the middle!  

 

 Dear Bride:

Your heart and your sense of fairness are in the right place.  So is your etiquette.  

It is the responsibility of the groom’s parents or family members to pay for their own travel expenses and accommodations.    

You might offer to help out by checking out hotels in the area, but you should not be expected to pick up the tab.   Discuss this with your fiancé.  It is his position to let his parents know that family members need to pay for their hotel and expenses.    

Proper etiquette dictates the rehearsal dinner be hosted by the groom’s parents.  However, if your parents have graciously offered to host it, no good will come of creating a stir with the in-laws now.    

It’s important to respect and honor your in-laws  – and wise to pick your battles judiciously.

Mrs. Figgins

Etiquette,Love,advice

Hurray For Etiquette!!!

 

Etiquette is alive and flourishing!  

 

As the song goes “the fundamental things apply”.    They certainly do.

 The rules of etiquette and protocol have been around for centuries,  and they are as important today as ever before.

But…what exactly is “etiquette”?   

In polite society “etiquette” it is the acceptable behavior governed by a code of conduct or practices applied to varying situations.   

What is “protocol”?    

 Protocol is the proper and correct form of courtesies in formal dealings.   

While  social norms of  “acceptable” behavior may vary depending on cultural differences, there are universal guidelines.  

 As part of social development, it is important for children to be taught proper etiquette to help enhance their social development.  This should be part of their curriculum.  

I must emphasize, however,  it is never too late to begin this genteel education at any age. 

 

Etiquette

Reach Out

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:  

I am a 19 years old Muslim.  I am gay.   My family will never accept me if they know.  I believe ending my life is the only way to prevent dishonor to my parents.  

Do you believe there is something left for me?  

Aashif, New York  

 

Dear Aashif:  

What you are going thru is not uncommon with men and women throughout the world.   

Being gay is not something you decided to be.  You were born gay, just like a person who is born straight. There is nothing wrong with you.  However, you must seek help immediately.  

The following organizations will help you, Aashif.  Reach out.  

The Trevor Project:   (866) 488-7386  

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline:  (888) 843-4564  

The GLBT National Youth Talkline:  (through age 25):  (800) 246-7743  

The National Runaway Switchboard:  1-800-RUNAWAY  

Al-Fatiha:     http://www.al-fatiha.org/    

Please contact one of the above organizations. 

Life is worth living. 

Believe.

Mrs. Figgins 

Faith,Love,Topics,advice

We have no greater charge than protecting the children.

 

 Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I am a mother of 2.  I was sexually molested when I was 11 years old by my brother who was 13.   It continued until I was 13.    While there was no outright rape, it was fondling.  That fondling wasn’t just a moment that could be misinterpreted or taken as a child’s cruel dream.

We are grown and each have our own small children.  Since our first year in college my brother and I have lived in separate states.  He and his family are moving close by and want to start doing things together as a family.  

My mind tells me that he was just a kid himself when this happened and I should forgive and forget.   My gut tells me that allowing a relationship with him again is a very bad idea. 

Trying to do the right thing.

 

Dear Trying:

There is only one right thing:   PROTECT THE CHILDREN. 

Under no circumstances ever leave any or all of your kids with your brother, at his house or anywhere he might be, where your kids can be out of your direct eyesight. 

Decline any personal invitations from him for any reason. Forever.

If you must attend a family gathering such as a wedding, make certain the kids are never out of your reach. 

You are correct.  There is no misinterpreting what happened to you.   It wasn’t a mere bad dream, it was a cruel reality at the hands of your brother, and he should not be trusted alone with any child.   

Showing compassion to evil does not make us better people and certainly doesn’t serve us well in protecting the innocent.

As a child you were powerless to protect yourself, but as a parent you and your husband have the power and the responsibility.   There is no greater charge than protecting your children.   

Mrs. Figgins

Children Issues,Love,One Village,Topics,advice

 

Ahhh…Chivalry.

 

Hello Mrs. Figgins: 

The Mom of a friend of mine reads your letters and I got this idea to write.  I’m embarrassed to ask anyone else so I’m going to try you.   

I’m 16 years old and I want to ask this girl out on a date, not sure where yet.  She is 16 and likes me too.   

My family is Baptist.  Her family is Mormon.   

How do I make a good impression?    I hope you get this note on time.

Mitchell    

 

Dear Mitchell:     

This is the perfect to time for you to start becoming a a gentleman.  Chivalry is a virtue, and virtues can be learned. 

If you want to make a good impression, with a young lady of any age, make sure you begin and end with respect.

Mormons place tremendous value on family.  Therefore, if you’re going to ask  her on a date, introduce yourself to her family, first.   

If her Mom and Dad give the OK,   I strongly suggest you invite the young lady to join you along with few other friends.  A school ballgame is a great idea.  

If her parents are not in favor of allowing a date at this time, you can hold your head high and know you did everything the right way.   

If it’s thumbs up, keep things very light, fun and clean.  

Don’t try to get to first base or you’ll be handed your first set of walking papers, right on out the door. 

Good luck, Mitchell.   

Mrs. Figgins 

Love,Relationships,advice

Right Way!    Wrong Way!    You Choose.

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I am 20 year old college student and feel totally suffocated by my parents.   

We are Mormons and my Mother and Father  will be  destroyed when they find out I want to live off campus with my boyfriend.  

He is the man of my dreams and I want to move forward with my life and not live by my parent’s unreasonable rules. 

We want to be responsible and don’t want to get married until we both graduate, but can’t wait to start our life together.

Wanting Freedom!

 

Dear Freedom:

In life, everything has a price.  Commitment has a price, and so does freedom.   This is true, regardless of whether you are Christian, Mormon, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Buddist, Gay or Straight.   

No doubt, your parents have worked very hard to pave a good foundation for your life’s journey.   This includes paying for your education, which is a gift from them because they love you.  It is not an automatic right.  Don’t destroy this  for yourself.      

Living together with your boyfriend before marriage is not the right thing to do.  Because of your upbringing, you know this deep down.

Mr. Dreamy will be there “if” he’s worth it.    He will only be there in the long run, not because you made things “easy”, but because you were worth waiting for.    If by chance, he turns out not to be the guy of your dreams…just think how much wiser and sweeter your decision to wait would have been.  

This is what you will want someday when you are a parent.   This is what your parents want for you.

Do the right thing.  Wait.

Mrs. Figgins

Love,Relationships,Topics,advice

Table Manners

 

Proper Eating Styles

Regardless of the continent, the only proper way to cut and eat one’s food is to hold the knife and fork in a relaxed, natural manner…..never with clenched fists attacking or spearing the food!

 In the United States In it is perfectly acceptable to cut one’s food using the knife and fork as usual, and then transfer the fork to the right hand to then “spear” it before eating. 

In Continental Europe, this would however be considered most improper. 

 Food should only be transferred to the mouth with the fork in the left hand with the prongs still facing downwards.  This could cause a bit of a problem if the meal includes garden peas!

Etiquette,How To

Set Them Early!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

 I have two beautiful children.  My girl is 3 and my boy is 5.  My little girl is reserved and standoffish, but my little boy is extremely affectionate and trusting with “everyone”.  

With everything that goes on in this world nowadays, I must admit that this worries me more than I even let on to my husband.  

I may be over-thinking this but do you have any suggestions or thoughts on what I can do to make sure they aren’t vulnerable?

Concerned  Mom in Iowa.   

 

Dear Concerned: 

You are not overreacting.  You are correct in wanting to take the right steps to protect your children as much as humanly possible.    

Here are some simple rules for teaching children personal boundaries:  

Take time to educate, explain, and set rules with children about “personal” boundaries, when they are very young.   Most likely you will need to revisit and reinforce these boundaries over and over.  

A good way to help children understand the idea of personal space is to have the child stand in place,  spread their arms wide, and spin slowly in a circle.  The invisible circle that they make with their arms is their “personal space”.     

Establish and teach zones of privacy.  These zones includes bathroom or dressing time, personal space for belongings ( closet, drawers), bedroom or sleeping area when siblings share a bedroom.   

Explain to the child that other people have personal space too, and that there are certain times that it’s OK to allow others to enter your space (school lines, help with potty time).  

Establish the role of parent (or adult) to child within the family and outside of the family.  Teach the children when it is appropriate to listen and participate in conversations, and when they are not allowed to participate in conversations at all. This establishes the child’s role and builds their sense of security.  

Do not involve children at any time in adult sensitive conversations.    

Examples of when physical boundaries are crossed:  

Insisting a child hug or kiss others:    It is important to note that affectionate children can be taught who is okay to hug and kiss, and what an appropriate touch is.  Let kids know that it is okay to say “no” to any form of touch.  Overlooking these critical social skills a child may be put at risk of trusting potential abusers. 

Touching a child when they don’t want to be touched:    Emergent situations are the exception. Help kids understand the difference between good touch and bad touch by explaining where it is okay to be touched.  Identify body parts and when it is OK for those parts to be touched.   

Hitting a child:    Hitting a child is never appropriate. 

If boundaries are crossed, such as personal space or a reversal of authority with an adult, quickly take back control of the situation and re-establish the correct behavior.    

These are good building blocks for you to begin with.

Mrs. Figgins

Children Issues,How To,Love,Topics,advice

Meeting Life Somewhere In-Between!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

 My nose and lip are pierced and I have a few tattoos, which I keep pretty much covered.  

My boss told me I need to remove my nose and lip ring.  He said it’s not personal and that the same rules apply to “any inappropriate business attire”.    

To make things worse, when I talked to the pastor of our church he agreed!   

Why can’t people at least hobble into this century and appreciate each of us for who we are and what is in our heart?   I don’t steal, cheat or judge others so why do I get judged! 

What am I missing?

 

Dear Missing:

The facts of life.

It’s not about whether you have a nose ring, a tattoo or a halo (to be fair: halos usually swing the vote).   

Unfortunately it’s about perception.   People that don’t know your heart, can only see the book cover at first glance. 

Think about what you want to accomplish in life.   Set the best example you can, with the compassion and understanding you seem to have and would like in return.  

While the outcome isn’t always what we hope,   good actions  calibrate the compass for our journey.

 Meet life in the middle, without giving up who you are.   If you can do this, you’re halfway there.

 Mrs. Figgins

Business Etiquette,How To,Love,Topics,advice

Think again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I have a nephew who is 37, and gay.  

His life revolves around his Mother.  He is constantly worried about  “Mummy”.  

He rushes to do her grocery shopping each week, buys her flowers, opens the doors for her, washes her car, kisses and hugs her non-stop. 

Is this normal? I understand that he loves his mother, but don’t you think he should be more focused on his own life?    After all, he has a wonderful lover .   Shouldn’t he consider his partners feelings?       

Concerned Auntie.

 

 

Dear Concerned:  

My goodness, aren’t you lucky (and take it from me!).    “Good son” usually translates to  -  good husband – good lover -  most important of all,  good man.   

What an a terrific young man you’ve each been blessed with.   Mummy is to be saluted for an job well done.  Now,  do the right thing and focus on what a good kid he turned out to be – and maybe find a  new hobby to keep you occupied.

Mrs. Figgins

Love,One Village,Topics,advice