February 25, 2010
- Makes A True Relationship.
Dear Mrs Figgins,
I dont know if this works like this, that if i can email you to ask advice or if i am supposed to do it on your page.
I’ve been battling with this for quite some time and i dont know who to turn to.
You see, i have been in a relationship with this guy for more than a year now. Like every relationship we’ve had our ups and downs. But this is something we cannot overcome ever, unless he will make an effort, but he wont.
You see, he cheated on me with another girl who i have felt very suspicious about. I confronted him about it and he said that they are just friends.
Then i found out. He “left” her and now we are back together again. Everything should be fine, except that i dont trust him and that he is still friends with this girl.
I asked him to stop his friendship with her and he refused saying that he could not (and that he didn’t know why).
She cheated on him with his friend and now she is currently dating the friend. He said that after their studies they will only talk SOMETIMES by text messages, emails, online etc, that “its not like everyday or something, like you and me”.
I have talked to him about this so many time and every time he become angry saying that its my fault; its because i cannot trust him. And because apparently i make him feel as if i was better than him that i do “diplomatic” talk on him… I dont know what that even means or what that has to do with this!! Thus, turning the conversation around.
Trust doesn’t have anything to do with this. Its the pain i feel, the huge pain that is eating me alive. Ive tried to give him examples where i ask him to imagine to be me. And he still wont get it.
He said that he chose me, and that she and him are just friends… Friends who he tells about his problems to… because she understand… because they used to be good friends before their intimate relationship….
I dont want to leave him because i love him and because i want a life with him
But i dont know how to overcome this… Should i accept this… or not?
Please help me
Best wishes,
Nora, Europe
Dear Nora:
Without trust there can be no relationship, and you have neither with this guy.
Do you really want to make a life with a man that has lied and cheated? Do you think he’ll never do this again? You can bet he will.
Cheaters usually have the uncanny ability to turn things around and make it feel like it’s someone elses fault.
Yes, if he cared about your feelings, he should have done anything and everything humanly possible to make you feel secure and build trust again – when he had the chance. But he didn’t. This situation is making you lose your way. It is tearing down your self esteem and it will surely only bring you more pain.
LEAVE HIM. You owe him not a thing. This is not the man you want to build a life around or someday have children with.
I always ask this question: “what would you say to your daughter if she were in your situation?”. If not for yourself now, do it for the example you will want to be someday.
The respect that you give yourself is the respect others will give you.
NO you should not accept this now or ever.
Your inner voice is guiding you. Take back your life and your dignity. You are worth so much more.
Stand up and stand tall, Nora. You can do it.
My best wishes to you, too.
Mrs. Figgins
Love, Relationships, advice
