Ask Mrs Figgins
- Free Advice & opinion on everyday issues – marriage, children, friendship, love, etiquette, politics & faith – dispensed by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

We have no greater charge than protecting the children.

 

 Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I am a mother of 2.  I was sexually molested when I was 11 years old by my brother who was 13.   It continued until I was 13.    While there was no outright rape, it was fondling.  That fondling wasn’t just a moment that could be misinterpreted or taken as a child’s cruel dream.

We are grown and each have our own small children.  Since our first year in college my brother and I have lived in separate states.  He and his family are moving close by and want to start doing things together as a family.  

My mind tells me that he was just a kid himself when this happened and I should forgive and forget.   My gut tells me that allowing a relationship with him again is a very bad idea. 

Trying to do the right thing.

 

Dear Trying:

There is only one right thing:   PROTECT THE CHILDREN. 

Under no circumstances ever leave any or all of your kids with your brother, at his house or anywhere he might be, where your kids can be out of your direct eyesight. 

Decline any personal invitations from him for any reason. Forever.

If you must attend a family gathering such as a wedding, make certain the kids are never out of your reach. 

You are correct.  There is no misinterpreting what happened to you.   It wasn’t a mere bad dream, it was a cruel reality at the hands of your brother, and he should not be trusted alone with any child.   

Showing compassion to evil does not make us better people and certainly doesn’t serve us well in protecting the innocent.

As a child you were powerless to protect yourself, but as a parent you and your husband have the power and the responsibility.   There is no greater charge than protecting your children.   

Mrs. Figgins

Children Issues,Love,One Village,Topics,advice

Set Them Early!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

 I have two beautiful children.  My girl is 3 and my boy is 5.  My little girl is reserved and standoffish, but my little boy is extremely affectionate and trusting with “everyone”.  

With everything that goes on in this world nowadays, I must admit that this worries me more than I even let on to my husband.  

I may be over-thinking this but do you have any suggestions or thoughts on what I can do to make sure they aren’t vulnerable?

Concerned  Mom in Iowa.   

 

Dear Concerned: 

You are not overreacting.  You are correct in wanting to take the right steps to protect your children as much as humanly possible.    

Here are some simple rules for teaching children personal boundaries:  

Take time to educate, explain, and set rules with children about “personal” boundaries, when they are very young.   Most likely you will need to revisit and reinforce these boundaries over and over.  

A good way to help children understand the idea of personal space is to have the child stand in place,  spread their arms wide, and spin slowly in a circle.  The invisible circle that they make with their arms is their “personal space”.     

Establish and teach zones of privacy.  These zones includes bathroom or dressing time, personal space for belongings ( closet, drawers), bedroom or sleeping area when siblings share a bedroom.   

Explain to the child that other people have personal space too, and that there are certain times that it’s OK to allow others to enter your space (school lines, help with potty time).  

Establish the role of parent (or adult) to child within the family and outside of the family.  Teach the children when it is appropriate to listen and participate in conversations, and when they are not allowed to participate in conversations at all. This establishes the child’s role and builds their sense of security.  

Do not involve children at any time in adult sensitive conversations.    

Examples of when physical boundaries are crossed:  

Insisting a child hug or kiss others:    It is important to note that affectionate children can be taught who is okay to hug and kiss, and what an appropriate touch is.  Let kids know that it is okay to say “no” to any form of touch.  Overlooking these critical social skills a child may be put at risk of trusting potential abusers. 

Touching a child when they don’t want to be touched:    Emergent situations are the exception. Help kids understand the difference between good touch and bad touch by explaining where it is okay to be touched.  Identify body parts and when it is OK for those parts to be touched.   

Hitting a child:    Hitting a child is never appropriate. 

If boundaries are crossed, such as personal space or a reversal of authority with an adult, quickly take back control of the situation and re-establish the correct behavior.    

These are good building blocks for you to begin with.

Mrs. Figgins

Children Issues,How To,Love,Topics,advice

Happy Motorhoming!

Dear Miss Figgins:

My wife and I are just about to retire. 

For 4 years we’ve been planning to travel around the country in our motor home.   We’ve been excited about our  golden future.   

Last month our boy called to say he’s getting a divorce,  and is moving back WITH US!   He has two kids and needs to pay child and wife support.  He’ll be broke for a good while.  

Ms. Figgins, we love our boy and we have been good parents. We paid for his schooling and helped with his wedding.  We’ve even set a little aside for our grandkids college.  If  we have to now help financially thru this divorce, my wife and I won’t be able to afford our retirement plans.   

Can you give us suggestions?  

 We love him but we’re stuck in a tough place.  

John and Mady, Wyoming

 

Dear John and Mady:

You’re hearts are in a tough place, but you’re not stuck.   

You should continue to follow the dreams which you have planned for.   

As parents, of course you want to offer your son a safe haven.  But it shouldn’t be a free ride.  Just as your son has a financial responsibility to his family, if he’s living in your home, he also has a responsibility to you.  Otherwise you’re not helping him or you.

Set boundaries of what you expect while your son is staying in your home.  Your home is not a crash pad.    

After a month of help, set a reasonable amount that he pays for rent.  Whatever you set, it will no doubt be far less than a rental.   

If he doesn’t live up to his agreement, then he needs to make other arrangements – elsewhere.   

No doubt you’ll do it all with love.   

Mrs. Figgins  

Children Issues,Love,Retirement,advice

Children In The Middle

 

Dear Mrs Figgins:

My husband and I marrie after an affair.  His kids totally blame me.  They have told me that our child and dad are part of the family but I never will be. 

My husband thinks it is ok to take our son ( Will, 2 1/2) to family events but I am not allowed to go.  Also most often the ex is there.  I have never met her.  She refused to allow me to be around,. It has been 13 years. 

We have been married 4.  Am I right to not have Will go? 

To me it is like my husband is accepting this behavior and secondly with mom not allowed it is like saying  mommy is bad( see what she did).

Child caught in middle

 

Dear Caught In The Middle:

You as well and each of your children is your family now.  However, this does not mean the extended family from a former marriage unless you are “all” included.   

As for the “blame” your husband is a grown man, and he needs to explain to his children that divorce was a decision that their mom and he made together.  He should not play the victim.

He needs to set the example and the boundaries.

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Children Issues,Love,Relationships,Topics,advice

Dating Tips!

 

Dating tips for teens and young adults!

#1:   SAFETY FIRST. 

• Get to know this person whom you might like to date.    Introduce him or her to your parents & friends FIRST.    

• Meet your dates family and friends well before you begin to date seriously. 

#2:   Don’t settle.  Take your time and trust that “time” is a friend.

• Never settle for the first person that comes your way.  You have a world of wonderful possibilities ahead of you.   

• Just because you go on your first date and have a great time, that doesn’t mean that this person is long term material.  Everyone is on good behavior at first, no matter what your age. 

• You’ll begin to get a better picture of the person you are dating…after a year of spending time with them.

• Take  your time and trust that “time” is a friend.

#3:   Don’t compromise your belief system. 

• If you have a strong faith background, your religious foundation will serve you well. 

• Don’t assume that because your date is of the same faith they have the same ethical and moral compass that you do.  

• Begin slowly to discuss issues that are important to each of you.  Take time…and let “time” help you sort things out.   

#4:   Honesty. 

• Be honest about who you are, your faith, your values and your beliefs.

• Honesty is the basis for all relationships.  If dating doesn’t work out, you may well have a lasting friendship.

#5:   Sex, marriage and your expectations before intimacy.

• Before you get to the point where it becomes an issue, discuss things like sex and marriage.  Share your personal beliefs and expectations.  This will let you know if you are on the same page, and if you want to continue dating.  

• If your personal beliefs are an issue between you,  this person is not the one for you.

#6:   If someone wants to change you…RUN!  

• You don’t always need to agree on everything, but you do need to be able to talk about all issues even if you have different viewpoints.

• Do not date someone who asks you to do something that is against your core beliefs. 

#7:   Listen to your friends and family.  

• Many times we can’t see simple warning signs in front of us.   

• Strive for clarity and wisdom.  Ask your family and friends for their opinion.  If they see red flag warnings (no matter how small), there is probably a good reason.  

• Engage those who love you in conversation about what they don’t like and don’t like about the person you are dating.  Listen…really listen to your parents and friends if they suspect red flags.

#8:   Share your date time with friends who love you and share your same values.

• It’s fine to spend time just the two of you, but don’t shut your friends out.   It is important for friends who love you and share your same values to spend time with you as a couple and see your interactions.

• This time in your life is all about exploring who you are together. Sharing time together with friends will begin to paint a good picture of your relationship and what may lie ahead. 

#9:   Respect.

• Always remember, the respect bar you set for yourself, is the respect you’ll receive. 

#10:   Make it fun! 

• Fun and laughter are a great beginning, middle and for the long run.  

• Enjoy yourself!   

Children Issues,How To,Love,Relationships,Topics,advice

Oh boy…kids!!!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I am a 34 year old man who has been in a relationship with a woman for several years.  She has a seven year old son from a previous marriage.  I would like to have a child of my own as well, and I brought up that desire since we’ve planned to get married in the near future. The problem is she doesn’t want to have another child, mainly because of her age (39) and fear of having a sick child.

Of course she is not getting any younger and continues to resist the idea.  I just don’t know what to do. I would feel very guilty of breaking this relationship and hurting her, as well as her son with whom I developed a bond over the years. 

Although, he does have a father in his life who shares custody.  Also, my parents are devastated she doesn’t want kids with me and it’s all taking a toll.

I just don’t know how to handle this in the best way.

Thanks for your time. 

Allen   

 

Dear Allen:

She has been very honest with you about her feelings.  And, her reasons for not wanting another child is understandable, and not because she doesn’t love you. 

In turn, you must search your heart and figure out if her decision is something you can live with, or if you’ll resent it in the future.

If your desire to have a child is ultimately important – staying in a relationship out of guilt is not a good enough reason.

The best way to ever handle anything is to be honest.   

You must be courageous, kind and let her know the reason you breaking off the relationship because of your desire to become a father.

Time will take care of the rest.

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Children Issues,Love,Relationships,advice

ASPS

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

 My 14 year old is really into basketball, she’s a freshman

in highschool and she wants to join the team.  The only problem is

that she’s been having problems with her chest when she tries to play

and we were told by her doctor that there is no way she can play this

year without a reduction surgery.  She has a F cup bust size and she

is eligable for the surgery but I still feel like she is too young

and might regret it later in life.  Dispite the pain, she still

practices every day and I would feel so bad telling her no.  Any

advice you could give to me would be appreciated. 

Thanks

SK

 

Dear SK:

Breast augmentation – breast reduction – is a major step for most women, and not uncommon in young women.  It often plays a very positive role helping boost self-esteem and body image. 

Your daughter may benefit greatly from breast reduction.

However, the need for careful screening by a board certified doctor is critical.  It is not just the physical examination; it’s also an assessment of patients’ emotional and mental health and stability.  Remember the  consultation is a 2-way street.  You should assess the surgeon to determine whether he or she is competent, caring, and appropriate.  And the surgeon assesses the patient for appropriateness for the surgery.

 

Do your homework!

You should never do surgery — at any age or in any patient — unless the benefits outweigh the risks and the improvement that’s possible is greater than the costs and risks of surgery.

“The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) is the largest plastic surgery specialty organization in the world. Founded in 1931, the society is composed of board-certified plastic surgeons who perform cosmetic and reconstructive surgery.”

Whether you’re considering cosmetic or reconstructive plastic surgery, you want the skill of an ASPS Member Surgeon—a doctor with more than six years of surgical training and experience, with at least three years specifically in plastic surgery. Their training and experience make them uniquely qualified to perform your cosmetic or reconstructive procedure.”

http://www.plasticsurgery.org/ 

http://www.plasticsurgery.org/Media/Briefing_Papers/Plastic_Surgery_for_Teenagers.html

 

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Children Issues,How To,Love,Relationships,advice

1/2 the problem

 

Dear Mrs Figgins:

My mother-in-law is ruining my marriage and I am at the end of my tether.

I got pregnant before my husband and I married and she thinks I tricked him.  She has done everything to humiliate me saying that I was irresponsible and thoughtless.  She has said that I interfered with his college.  By the way I was also going to college.   The most hurtful of all is when she calls my son a “mistake” right in front of him.

My husband just says there’s nothing he can do about her and completely dismisses my feelings.

I don’t think this is healthy for my son or my marriage

Lisa, Detroit Lakes

 

Dear Lisa:

Your husband has allowed his mother to humiliate you and your son.    They  are equally culpable.

The future of your marriage depends on what kind of man he is, and on your own self-respect.

Hubbby needs to put the brakes on Mama and become a real father and husband, or you’ll be writing the same unfortunate letter a few years from now. 

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Children Issues,Love,Relationships,advice

 

In The Dog House!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My wife is pregnant with our first child.  I love her but she is driving me nuts feeling guilty about every little thing “we” eat or drink – even how she sleeps!   

If I don’t chime to make her feel better about her choices, she gets upset because I’m not being sensitive enough. 

I’m beginning to decorate the dog house!

How do men get thru this?

George,  White Plains

 

Dear George:

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.

A mother wants the best for her baby and she is always second guessing her choices.  The changes she faces seem endless and overwhelming.

You get “thru this” by by doing everything possible to be sympathetic and empathetic.   When you think you’ve done enough - keep going.

Think of it this way:  Would you like to change places with your wife?

So shape up George,  or  back on time-out!

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Children Issues,How To,Love,Relationships,advice

 

Changes

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My wife and I are very happy parents of 18 month old beautiful little boy.

I feel  things different.   We love one to the other but life has been changed much by this 30 lb energy bundle.   

I don’t complaining and I put one feet in front of the other.

Ralph,  Munich

 

Dear Ralph:

When you have a baby emotional fireworks happen.  Then the dust settles and everything is different from what it was before.  Yes Ralph, different.

Along the way, with GOD’S help, our commitment to our spouse and good parenting, we realize how blessed we truly are.

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Children Issues,Love,Relationships,advice