Ask Mrs Figgins
- Free Advice & opinion on everyday issues – marriage, children, friendship, love, etiquette, politics & faith – dispensed by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Etiquette is back.

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My boyfriend and I live in the United States but we’re thinking about getting married in Europe where most of our family is.  While not strict orthodox, our families still prefer that honor our religious heritage.

Are there any trends coming about there?  Are birdcage veils still popular?   Will you please review some points we should consider?   We’re worried about the expense, too.

Thank You for your input.

Madeline & Robert, Nova Scotia

 

 

Dear Madeline & Robert:

Indeed many couples want their wedding to reflect traditional values and are incorporating their religious, cultural and ethnic heritage.

Many couples are also opting to see each other before the ceremony.  However, I personally like the more traditional way and believe it holds the “romance”.

With the global economy being so uncertain, families are also watching their finances more than ever.  Many couples are participating in the cost of their own wedding and therefore controlling  most of the decision-making.   Advice: Spend more on the lasting memories than the frill.

A return to old-fashioned “proper” etiquette is  now becoming much more important.  Make certain that your thank you cards are promptly delivered – no later than 4 weeks of the wedding.

Personalized appreciation is back.  Favours are an expense and easy to consider eliminating, However, most couples are especially grateful to guests who have incurred considerable expense to be a part of the celebration and a personalized favour shows the thought behind the gift. A small chocolate gift box or small champagne favor adds a marvelous touch of elegance.  

I happened to attend a wedding recently and the bride wore a stunning birdcage veil. They are popular and allow dramatic vintage glamour. 

Many Congratulations!

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Etiquette, How To, Love, Relationships, advice

Coming Out

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins: 

I am a 33 year old man and a medical doctor.  I have fought being gay for a very long time, and no loinger want to deny who I am. 

 I am from a very close family, and I have wonderful loving parents, and they have no idea that I am gay. 

I have fallen in love with Paul.  I’ve known him since grade school. 

My parents know his family and they love Paul as another son.  They also know that he’s gay because a few years ago Paul came out to his family and friends.  

On one hand, I’m afraid to come out to my parents for fear that they will blame Paul thinking that he talked me into this.  But nothing could be further from the truth.   I cannot change who I am.

I am so happy I want to shout it out from the rooftop!  Yet, I’m really feeling lost as to what to do?

William, SC

 

Dear William:

Your apprehension is understandable.  Unfortunately it is still uncomfortable for most gay people to take the step out of the closet, especially to their parents, family and friends.

Sexuality is an important part of who we are as humans.  Sexual orientation is not a personal choice.   It is a matter of genetics. 

You need to believe that your family and friends truly care about you and want your happiness.  Being honest with yourself and your parents is the most important first step.   

By your own words, you have wonderful parents.  This may or may not be difficult for them to accept immediately.  As excited and happy as you are to share your feelings and love, remember your parents are hearing this for the first time.  Show respect, kindness and patience.   This too shall pass, because they love you. 

Who we are as human beings is what are ultimately judged on.     

Trust that if we face life with integrity, it will be a wonderful ride full of priceless memories.  

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

How To, Love, Relationships, advice

Knowing when to just say “NO”

 

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins: 

We’re worried about our son.  He’s dropped out of high school, she doesn’t want to work.  He goes out with friends and  home is just a place for to sometimes sleep and get a change of clothes.

He only likes designer tenny shoes, designer shirts, designer things.  He thinks we are the bank of Mom and Dad.  Except this Mom and Dad struggle to make the rent and by the food.

We have been able to get him jobs, but no more.  He’s burned those bridges to.

Nothing we can do helps him.  Can you think of something we can do to make a difference?

Paula and Marvin

 

Dear Paula and Marvin.

Kids today seem to know everything “designer”.  Unfortunately, they know the value of very few things.  The generation today, has had much handed to them, and  yet worked for very little.  

 Our job as parents is to love our children, and prepare them for life.   Enabling them sets them up for a mighty fall.   

May advise:   Just say “NO”.   Lay down a set of rules - and requirements.  Stick with your program.   It may be your road-map to “hope”.    That’s the help your son needs.

Not the least, you and your husband deserve better.  Remember, you’re important, too.

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Children Issues, How To, Love, Relationships, advice

It’s Mom’s Turn!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I am a black woman.  A single Mother of 4.   I’ve been a waitress all my life.  My last baby is finishing college (THANK YOU GOD!)  That will make all 4 of them.  I love them more that my first and last breath.

I made lots of mistakes.  I wish I could have been more.  I wish I could have studied to be a nurse.  But I was too busy trying to put food to the table and keeping them right with GOD.

I have a few good years left, and I’m thinking of going back to school.  I’m not sure what I want to study now, but I want to do it.

Am I too old?

Lillian in Jackson

 

Dear Lillian:

You are a waitress, a single mother of four and you’ve sent four kids to college?   How very proud you must be! CONGRATULATIONS! 

Unfortunately, we don’t get to live life in reverse, Lillian.  I know.  I’ve made so many mistakes myself.  But you have succeeded in doing what most parents only dream of.   

I bow to you as I pen this letter and proudly nominate you for the Grand Prix Award Of Life. 

YES- YES – YES – go to school!  Whatever it is, do something just for you.  

It’s your turn, Lillian. 

Please – keep in touch!

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

How To, Love, Relationships, advice

How many invitations?

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My Fiance and I mailed out our wedding invitations about a month ago. 

My future Mother in Law received hers and attempted to commit suicide because we didn’t put her name on the invitation intself, only the envelope which said Ms. (first and last name), no and guest.

She was committed to a mental hospital and released about a week later.  She will not speak to me and says her trying to kill herself was my fault because I intentionally disrespected her.  Three weeks later she is still not talking to me.  We received her RSVP yesterday and she has invited other people as her guests.  I don’t know what to do. 

Do I allow her to intive more people in fear that she will try something again and blame me, or do I put a stop to her uninvited guest scheme and tell her that they can not come?

Nicole

 

Dear Nicole:

There are two of you getting married.  Step back and let your fiancé deal with his mother.  “He” needs to get control of this situation. 

Do not make this your argument and your problem.

Her threats of suicide are not your fault.  Her problems did not start with you, and they will not end with you. 

The family who pays for the wedding (or lions share) has the expectation and the right to invite more guests.

However, if both families are contributing equally to the cost, then each family should have a set number of guests they may invite.

If either family wants to invite more than the set amount of guests, they should pick up the additional expense for those guests  (providing, of course,  your reception venue has the room capacity).

Rule #1:  Don’t get into an argument with your in-laws.  Let it go. 

Focus on your wedding and your memories.

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

How To, Love, Relationships, advice

Introductions

 

Aloha Mrs Figgins:

This Friday I am attending a grand opening of a new high tech building with my partner of 11 years.

Because I designed the software which runs the building I will be recognized at the function, and I will certainly be talking with people after the function.

How should I properly introduce my boyfriend? We are both in our 50’s so “boyfriend” seems a bit young (plus we’ve been together 11 years).   ”partner” would be misconstrued as being my business partner.  “lover” is not appropriate in this setting.

I asked him, but he’s as stumped as I am.

What is the proper business etiquette in this situation?

David

 

Dear David:

Many congratulations on your accomplishment.

It is appropriate in a business setting to introduce your lover as your “partner”.    

Subtlety is elegance, David.

Wishing you both a wonderful time today.

Mrs. Figgins 

 

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Etiquette, How To, Love, Relationships, advice

Stick with the BUDGET!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I wanted to share with soon to be brides the following budget guide.    A friend of mine shared it with me and it really made “the” difference.  Everything worked out awesome!   

 Reception:  (Food, Beverages, Rentals, Location):    40% 

 Flowers:  5% – 10% 

 Photography & Video:  5 % – 10% 

Bride’s Gown & Groom’s Tux:  5% -10%  

Entertainment:  5%  

Coordinating/Consultant:  10 % 

Miscellaneous:  Invitations,  Table Favors:   10% 

Add for the unexpected:   10%

Hoping this helps!

Annie & Steve, Palm Dessert

 

Dear Annie & Steve:

Thank You for sharing your budget guide.  I’m sure the brides to be will find it most valuable.

Allow me to add a few items to your list: 

• Remember the sales tax!

• Stick with the budget!

• HAVE FUN!

Mazel Tov!

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com        

Advice and opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with straightforward common sense and old fashioned values! 

How To, Love, Relationships, advice

Ahhh…the first kiss

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I just read the letter from “Smitten” and I have a similar situation, sort of.

 I’ve been friends with a girl at work for over a year.  We’ve gone out to to dinner, the movies and picnics at the lake.  Our time together has always been great.  I really believe there is something very special between us. 

I’ve wanted to kiss her for so long but I’m afraid to make that more.  I want to be romantic but I’m afraid that I’m not going to pull it off.  I drop off little token gifts at her desk at work to show I care, but I think they might be too funny or “generic”.

How can I go about this in the right way?  I want to be romantic!

It’s Now or Never!

Jeremy,  Saskatchewan

 

Dear Jeremy:

Romance is something that cannot be put in a bottle.  It’s more than any single act. It isn’t something that appears magically with the flick of a candle lighter.  And know this up front, it takes work.  No matter how deeply in love you are, sustaining romance takes work.

Showing you care is essential for love to succeed, but caring alone does not romance make.   “Things” are nice, and women are fond of “nice things”, but the manner in which you gift the gift, can be as important, or even more so, than the gift itself.

Romance is the act of making something ordinary very special.  Romance, I dare say is an essential part of life.

A look, a touch, a scent, background music, how, sharing a sandwich at the lake.  Each one of these things can make romance.

And ahhh yes,  your first “kiss”.

 “The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.”     Emil Ludwig quotes (German Biographer and Writer, 1881-1948)

Make it special.

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com        

Advice and opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with straightforward common sense and old fashioned values!

How To, Love, Relationships, advice

 

Keeping it sweet

 

Dear Mrs Figgins:

I’m 27 years old and I have a date with a girl who has stolen my heart. 

 Our parents have been best friends for years.  To be honest, I thought of her as a little sister, never giving it anything else a second thought. 

But something special happened.   We were at a family barbeque and a group of us were playing  softball.  She was so much fun!  At the end of the ballgame she was head to toe full of dirt and my heart was full of her.

I asked her out to dinner next weekend.  I don’t want to get too mushy but I want to at least add a romantic touch.

What do you think I should do?

Smitten

 

Dear Smitten:

She sounds like a catch!

Dinner at a nice, fun place (nothing stuffy) is a great idea.

For a sweet and memorable touch, I suggest a delicious box of chocolates “personalized” with a special message on the ribbon.  Surprise her – with the gift waiting at the table. 

Ribbon message:  “To a great teammate!”  or “To my favorite teammate!”    Add the date to the message (something tells me you might want it as a keepsake).    

Have fun!

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com        

Advice and opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with straightforward common sense and old fashioned values!

How To, Love, Relationships, advice

Grief

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My husband Jeff’s mother passed away less than four months ago.  They were extremely close and he mourns her loss every day.  To make matters worse his father has started dating.  Jeff is furious with him. 

It hurts me to see him in such pain.  He feels his life is falling apart.

Is there anything I can do to help him?

Praying in North Carolina

 

Dear Praying:

Know that GOD is listening.

Our gratitude to Western Washington University for the following on coping with grief.

Mrs. Figgins

Coping with Grief

People who have been affected by a death or other loss are likely to experience feelings of grief. Grief is a normal, appropriate emotional response to loss.

As people grieve they may experience a variety of emotions including shock, sadness, depression, anxiety, hostility, guilt, fear, and, with time, acceptance. They may also move back and forth between good memories and bad memories.

While the grieving process is difficult, there are things that can help people heal more quickly and integrate the loss into their lives in a positive way. Talking with trusted friends and family members about your memories, feelings, and thoughts will be helpful.

Keeping a daily routine will help you create a sense of stability as you reorganize your life and your worldview. It is also important to set aside time to do things that make you feel good. Eating regular meals, getting adequate sleep, and exercising can also be helpful. If your feelings of grief and loss are interfering with your ability to function in your daily life, you may want to consider receiving counseling.

Surviving Loss: 10 Suggestions

The loss of a loved one through death often requires adjustment in our way of looking at the world and our plans for living in it. It is a major disruption in our lives, and people’s reactions differ.

A positive self-image, an ability to relate easily, a faith to lean on and a willingness to take initiative are ways of being and interacting that can help people manage feelings of grief.

Grief therapist C.M. Parker suggests that the pain of grief is the price we have to pay for love. In a very real way, whenever we choose to love someone, we are also choosing to be hurt.

The time comes when we have to say good-bye and let go. That is when our grief begins. As it takes time to love, so it also takes time to let go. People say, ”Time heals.” Yet time by itself doesn’t heal. If a person in grief sits in a corner waiting for time to take care of bitter sorrow, time won’t do anything. It is what we do with time that can heal.

Bereaved people may find themselves feeling stranded in their own grief. The following suggestions are ways we can use the time to rekindle hope and healing.

1. Take Time To Accept Death.   Facing and accepting death remains a necessary condition for continuing our own life. Often it is hard to realize that what happened has really happened and that life has changed. We hope that it was all a bad dream. We hope that our loved one will call us from work or that we are going to hear that person’s voice when we step into the house. The only way to deal with death, no matter how painful that might be, is to accept it, not fight it. Yes, our loved one has died. But that doesn’t mean that we have to die, too. We have to pick up the pieces and go on from there.

2. Take Time To Let Go.   One of the most difficult human experiences is letting go. Yet from birth to death life is a series of letting go – sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. Letting go reminds us that we are not in control of life, and that we need to accept what we cannot control. Letting go means adjusting to a new reality in which our loved one is no longer present. And yet, many bereaved continue to believe that their loved one has not really died, that life hasn’t really changed. Letting go takes place when the “we” becomes “I,” when we are able to substitute the memories of the deceased for their physical presence and when we are able to change patterns in our lives and in our environment. Letting go occurs when we are able to endure and accept the feelings that accompany death.

3. Take Time To Make Decisions.   People who have been very dependent on the deceased find themselves lost in the world. They are afraid to give themselves direction, to make mistakes, to ask, to try. Yet making mistakes is the way in which we learn and develop trust in ourselves. We need to be patient with ourselves as we gradually learn to make decisions.

4. Take Time To Share.   The greatest need of the bereaved is to have someone to share their pain, their memories and their sadness. In life, we can only accept that which we can share. Bereaved people need others to give them time and space to grieve. When you are grieving, you might need someone who looks backward, because the past, not the future, remains the source of comfort in the early stages of grief. Sharing our memories and feelings with people who are grieving themselves is especially helpful and therapeutic.

5. Take Time To Believe.   To survive is to find meaning in suffering. Suffering that has meaning to it is endurable. However, meaning doesn’t just happen. At times, our grief can shake up our faith. For many people, religion– with its rituals, the promise of an afterlife and its community support–offers a comforting and strengthening base in the lonely encounter with helplessness and hopelessness. Our faith does not take away our grief but helps us live with it.

6. Take Time To Forgive.   The feeling of guilt and the need for forgiveness accompany many of our experiences, especially those that have remained unfinished. We might feel guilty about what we did or didn’t do, about the clues we missed, about the things we said or failed to say. As we review our lives and our relationship with the deceased, there will always be things which are less than ideal. We need to accept our imperfections and make peace with ourselves.

We cannot judge our yesterdays with the knowledge of today. So torturing ourselves for the things we did and wished we hadn’t done, or dwelling on the things we didn’t do, doesn’t change anything. It only makes us miserable. We certainly need to own and express our anger, but there is also a need for forgiveness.

7. Take Time To Feel Good.   Bereaved people are not sentenced to unhappiness. We are not born happy or unhappy. We learn to be happy by the way we adjust to life-crises and use the opportunities life gives us. We need to be patient and give ourselves time to learn and time to make mistakes. We especially need to affirm ourselves and pat ourselves on the back for every small thing we learn to do, for this is when we ‘”expand” ourselves. The death of a loved one affects our life-style and changes our self-image. Grief can rapidly shape us and help us discover a new independence and outlook on things.

8. Take Time To Make New Friends.   Loneliness will be present in grief, and it might be nature’s way of mending our broken hearts. Loneliness can also be transformed into solitude. That happens when we are not oppressed by our loneliness, but learn to live creatively with it by cultivating our inner resources and self-understanding. In the grief process, healing occurs when we take the step to move out of our safe boundaries and interact with others. Old friends might be there to offer security and comfort; new friends will be there to offer opportunities. We might meet these new people through a support group, a card club, or at a class. We need friends on the road to recovery.

9. Take Time To Laugh.   In life there are as many reasons to laugh as there are to cry. In grief there is a time when our tears come with less frequency and intensity, and we learn to remember without crying. Laughter, on the other hand, helps us survive, and it helps us reenter life. Laughter helps us accept our limitations and develops hope in the present. Laughter defines our movement from helplessness to hopefulness.

10. Take Time To Give.   A way to overcome our loneliness and pain is to be concerned about the loneliness and pain of others. People turn away from grief when they feel wanted and needed by the living. Being able to help someone gives us meaning. So if we find someone else who needs us it can be an opportunity for our own healing. Getting involved with others gives us the feeling that life goes on and takes us away from self-pity. Listening to someone, empathizing and sharing over the telephone, providing information or going out to lunch together are ways to give of yourself.

There is a tremendous wisdom that is accumulated in one’s encounter with grief, and it needs to be shared. Healing takes place when we turn our pain into a positive experience, and we realize that helping others is the key to helping ourselves.

The road to recovery from grief, therefore, is to take time to do things which will enable us to give a renewed meaning to our lives. In grief, no one can take away our pain because no one can take away our love. The call of life is to learn to love…again.

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com     

Advice and opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with straightforward common sense and old fashioned values!

How To, Love, Relationships, advice