Ask Mrs Figgins
- Free Advice & opinion on everyday issues – marriage, children, friendship, love, etiquette, politics & faith – dispensed by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Here come the in-laws!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:  

My fiancé and I are in a quandary.   His mother and father actually told him that the bride’s parents should pay for hotel accommodations on the groom’s side of the family.  That will be 9 separate rooms for 3 days. 

His mother said it’s enough that their family is paying for airline tickets. 

My parents are not only paying for the entire wedding, they’re also paying for the rehearsal dinner.   I don’t think it’s fair, nor do I have the heart, to ask my parents to also pay for hotel rooms for his family.  

I don’t know how to handle this. 

Bride in the middle!  

 

 Dear Bride:

Your heart and your sense of fairness are in the right place.  So is your etiquette.  

It is the responsibility of the groom’s parents or family members to pay for their own travel expenses and accommodations.    

You might offer to help out by checking out hotels in the area, but you should not be expected to pick up the tab.   Discuss this with your fiancé.  It is his position to let his parents know that family members need to pay for their hotel and expenses.    

Proper etiquette dictates the rehearsal dinner be hosted by the groom’s parents.  However, if your parents have graciously offered to host it, no good will come of creating a stir with the in-laws now.    

It’s important to respect and honor your in-laws  – and wise to pick your battles judiciously.

Mrs. Figgins

Etiquette,Love,advice

Hurray For Etiquette!!!

 

Etiquette is alive and flourishing!  

 

As the song goes “the fundamental things apply”.    They certainly do.

 The rules of etiquette and protocol have been around for centuries,  and they are as important today as ever before.

But…what exactly is “etiquette”?   

In polite society “etiquette” it is the acceptable behavior governed by a code of conduct or practices applied to varying situations.   

What is “protocol”?    

 Protocol is the proper and correct form of courtesies in formal dealings.   

While  social norms of  “acceptable” behavior may vary depending on cultural differences, there are universal guidelines.  

 As part of social development, it is important for children to be taught proper etiquette to help enhance their social development.  This should be part of their curriculum.  

I must emphasize, however,  it is never too late to begin this genteel education at any age. 

 

Etiquette

Table Manners

 

Proper Eating Styles

Regardless of the continent, the only proper way to cut and eat one’s food is to hold the knife and fork in a relaxed, natural manner…..never with clenched fists attacking or spearing the food!

 In the United States In it is perfectly acceptable to cut one’s food using the knife and fork as usual, and then transfer the fork to the right hand to then “spear” it before eating. 

In Continental Europe, this would however be considered most improper. 

 Food should only be transferred to the mouth with the fork in the left hand with the prongs still facing downwards.  This could cause a bit of a problem if the meal includes garden peas!

Etiquette,How To

 

Traditions!

 

Dear Mrs Figgins:

I am 42 years old and never thought I would settle down.  I’ve met a Japanese girl that has turned my whole life around and I want to ask her to share my life with me. 

Her parents are from Japan and very traditional.  I need to get this right and you can probably tell that I am not Japanese.  What is the most proper way to go about this?

Jeremy, WA   

 

Dear Jeremy,

Japan is a country of traditions and showing respect to this rich and wonderful culture is very important. 

I suggest you find the most romantic and charming way of proposing.   

After you have proposed, and if she says “YES”, then one of the most important steps you’ll ever take is meeting with her parents to discuss your intentions and ask for her hand in marriage.   

When you meet with them for this purpose, bring a small gift.  Make sure you ask both parents at the same time.   Perhaps your girlfriend can help you learn a few key and appropriate sentences in Japanese.  This little bit of goodwill is certain to endear the in-laws..   

Family and friends will understand that you may not be familiar with Japanese etiquette, so don’t be afraid to ask for help in navigating thru custom intricacies.

Our appreciation to Shizuko Mishima for the following:

Many weddings take place in spring and fall in Japan. Most weddings are held at hotels or wedding halls where chapels and shrines are conveniently located within the facilities. A Japanese wedding ceremony may be Shinto, Christian, Buddhist, or non-religious styles. Couples choose the style of their wedding ceremonies, and it doesn’t necessarily match with one’s religion. Non-Christian couples often have their weddings at chapels in Japan.

Traditional Japanese wedding ceremonies are Shinto-style and are held at shrines. Brides wear traditional wedding kimono called shiromuku (white kimono robe), and grooms wear montsuki (black formal kimono), haori  (kimono jacket), and hakama (kimono pants).

It’s common that only family members and close relatives of couples attend Shinto-style wedding ceremonies. A ceremony includes sake drinking rituals, exchanging wedding rings, and more. There are neither bridesmaids nor a best man. Traditionally an older married couple called nakoudo (matchmaker) attend a Japanese wedding ceremony, but this tradition isn’t often observed in recent years.

After wedding ceremonies, wedding reception parties called “kekkon hiroen” are held. The style and scale of wedding receptions vary depending on the regions. Typically, relatives, friends, co-workers, and neighbors are invited to wedding receptions. People usually dress formally to attend a Japanese wedding. Female guests wear dresses, suits, or kimono. Male guests wear black formal suits.

When you receive an invitation card to a wedding reception, you need to return the enclosed card and let them know if you can attend or not as soon as possible. If you are attending a Japanese wedding reception, you are expected to bring cash for a gift. The amount depends on your relationship with the couple and the region, unless fixed amount is indicated in the invitation card. It is recommended to ask someone who is attending the same wedding. The average is 30,000 yen for a friend’s wedding. It’s important that the cash is enclosed in a special envelope called shugi-bukuro, and your name is written on the front. It’s polite to use new bills with no creasing. When you go to the party, hand the envelope to the person at the reception desk and sign your name in the guestbook.

During a wedding reception, the married couple sits on a stage, enjoying the guests’ speeches and performances. Many people sing congratulating songs for the couple. It’s typical for the couple to cut a wedding cake and to walk around the reception room, lighting the candles and greeting guests. A full course meal is often served. It’s common for the bride and broom to change costumes a couple of times. Colorful wedding kimono worn by brides are called iro-uchikake.

Wedding souvenirs are called hikidemono in Japanese. They are often tablewares, sweets, interiors, and so on. In recent years, gift catalogs from which guests can choose gifts are popular for hikidemono. The average cost of a typical Japanese wedding is said to be a couple million yen, and the number of guest ranges from 50 to 200 for an average couple.

Best Wishes!

Mrs Figgins         

    

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

 

 

Etiquette,How To,Love,Relationships,advice

The Visit!

 

Dear Mrs Figgins:

How long should you wait in the inner dr’s office unnoticed before you open the door and ask if they have forgotten about you?

SH

 

Dear SH:

While the average waiting time at a doctor’s office can be 25 minutes, unfortunately some patients fine their wait can last for “hours”.

 “Fee-for-service” medicine with low reimbursement rates continues to force doctors to schedule more patients into each day, and that is precisely why patients end up waiting so long to get in.

If possible, ask for the first appointment of the day or the first appointment immediately after the office lunch break.

Before leaving for your appointment, call the  office to see  if  the doctor is running on time.

Check in with the receptionist 10-15 minutes before your scheduled appointment to give you enough time to fill out any necessary paperwork.  If you run late, another patient may slip into your allotted time.

Write down your current list of medications and a concise list of questions.

Be prepared!  Remember, the doctor doesn’t want to run late any more than you do.

Mrs. Figgins

 

www.askmrsfiggins.com

Advice & opinion on everyday issues by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Etiquette,How To,advice

 

Good manners aren’t just for formal occassions!

 

Many believe that proper etiquette is mainly reserved for special occasions, often times thinking of these genteel rules of conduct as tedious, even boring.  Volumes have been written on this subject. 

Proper etiquette isn’t just the act of speaking eloquently…but the ability to project graceful actions. Yes, even when we don’t feel it.

The fundamental things in life do apply.  There are and forever will be, proper ways to conduct one be the situation formal or informal. 

It is quite simple to master the use of proper etiquette.  It begins with the golden rule: treat others as politely as you would like a beloved family member to be treated.  Treat others with the same consideration you expect…I dare say, even more. 

Pay it forward.

 

• Never interrupt when someone is speaking.  Be interested (or appear so).  Be certain that the person speaking has finished before adding your own thoughts.

• Turn off your cell phone during meals, and whenever entering a restaurant. Make this a rule and it will become a habit!  

• Never speak with your mouth full of food.  Never.

•  Always RSVP to an invitation in a timely fashion.   Waiting until the last minute makes the host feel like you’re waiting for a better offer. 

• Always wait your turn in line and be mindful of others space.   You probably don’t like for anyone to be looking over your shoulder or crowding your space, therefore be aware of those around you.  Impatience is quite impolite.

Business Etiquette,Etiquette,How To,Love,Relationships,advice

 

Informal Table Setting Ideas

 Table Setting Etiquette:

 

For many sitting in front of endless cutlery and glassware at a dinner table, (especially at formal functions) is intimidating!  Which pieces belong to whom?  Which fork do I pick up first?  Is this glass mine or the person next to me?  

 

Don’t fret!  Just familiarize yourself with the basics and the rest will fall into place.

 

Here are a few simple tips will help you with formal or informal table setting etiquette.

 

 

Cutlery:  GOLDEN RULE: ALWAYS work from the “outside, in”    

Informal Entertaining

Dinner plate:   This is the first thing to be set on the table, and may serve as your guide to placement.. 

 Napkin:  The napkin may be folded or  put in a napkin ring and placed either to the left of the forks or on the center of the dinner plate.  You may instead choose to place a folded napkin under the forks, if that is your preference..

1-2 Knives:   Always to the right, and forks are always to the left.

2 Forks:  Place the forks to the left of the plate..   The larger of the two forks, the “dinner fork”   is used for the main course;  the smaller fork is used for the  salad or appetizer.     The forks are arranged according to when you will need to use them.   Therefore, if the  small fork is needed for an appetizer or a salad served before the main course, then it is placed on the left (outside) of the dinner fork.  Or, if the salad is served after the main course, then the small fork is placed to the right (inside) of the dinner fork, and next to the plate.

1 Dinner knife:  The dinner knife is set immediately to the right of the plate.  Make sure the “cutting” edge faces inward, toward the plate.   If the main course is meat, a steak knife can take the place of the dinner knife.  At an informal meal, the dinner knife may be used for all courses.  Only clean silverware should be placed on the table.  No exceptions!

• The soup spoon, if needed, will always be on the extreme right if being served as a first course, or second in from the right if being served as a second course.

• Dessert cutlery will always be at the top of the place setting with the fork facing right and the spoon positioned above this with the bowl facing left.

2 Spoons:    Spoons go to the right of the knife.  If the  soup is being served first,  the soupspoon should be set to the far (outside) right of the dinner knife. 

The teaspoon or dessert spoon, which will be used last, goes to the left (inside) of the soupspoon, next to the dinner knife.

 2 Glasses:   Drinking glasses of any kind – water, wine (juice or tea) – are placed at the top right of the dinner plate, above the knives and spoons.

Depending on how many different wines are being served, they will normally be positioned above the knives. They should be placed with the water glass to the extreme left, and then followed in the order for which they will be used, working from left to right. For example:

Water – Champagne – White Wine- Red Wine – Dessert Wine

Optional Dishes and Utensils:   Depending on what is being served, other dishes and utensils are optional.  The following may or may not be included:

Salad plate:    Should be placed to the left of the forks..

Bread plate with butter knife:   If used, the bread plate goes above the forks, with the butter knife placed diagonally across the edge of plate.  The handle should be on the right side with the blade facing down.

Dessert spoon and fork:   May be  placed either  beside the plate or horizontally above the dinner plate (the spoon on top with its handle facing to the right; the fork below with its handle facing left).  If placed beside the plate, the fork goes on the left side, closest to the plate (because it will be the last fork used) and the spoon goes on the right side of the plate, to the right of the dinner knife and to the left of the soupspoon.

Coffee cup and saucer:   The coffee cup and saucer are may be placed  above and to the right of the knife and spoons.  At home, it is common to serve coffee after the meal.  Cups and saucers are brought to the table and placed above and to the right of the knife and spoons.

Business Etiquette,Etiquette,Favorite Finds,How To

 

International  Business Etiquette Tips: 

 

United States

• Formal or casual business attire, neat in appearance, is acceptable.   Men may generally wear jeans or khaki pants w Business suit and tie is recommended for men and appropriate business suit or dress is recommended for women.  More informal wardrobe is acceptable in warm or hot rural areas.
• Casual jeans should be avoided, and shorts are a no-no in any business setting. 
• Upon greeting and leaving your meeting offers of a firm handshake. If you are meeting several people at once, maintain eye contact with the person you are shaking hands with, until you are moving on the next person.  Eye contact during conversation shows interest, sincerity and good manners.
•  It is acceptable for good friends to embrace..
•  Introductions should include Mr. Mrs. Ms or one’s title if appropriate ( ie:  Dr.)
• Business cards should be exchanged either before (preferably) or at the end of the meeting..
• Business conversation may take place during meals. However, more social conversation will create a stronger foundation.  It is important to be a good “listener”!  
• Business meetings may be arranged during breakfast, lunch or dinner time depending on time schedules. Dinner meetings are times not only to discuss the business at hand but equally as important to build rapport.
• A small host gift favor is appropriate, such as a box of chocolates, wine, or small souveneir.   However, many US companies discourage or limit any gift giving.   A graciously written note is always appreciated.
• Never use a toothpick in public in public.  Always have a piece of floss you can carry with you in a tissue, which you can use privately in the bathroom.
• Do not smoke.

China

• A handshake is appropriate and is usually accompanied with a nod or slight bow of the head.
• The Chinese like to be formally introduced.  If at first they seem unfriendly, it is because they are taught not to show emotion.
• Never refer to someone by their last name.
• Too much praise is considered poor etiquette.  Do not over-do with praise.

Italy

• First impressions are very important to the Italians.  A sense of fashionable (and proper) attire always goes a long way.
• Wait to be invited to address by first name.  Don’t be overly friendly at the onset. Mind your manners…and a sense of boundary.
• Punctuality for meetings is essential.

Japan

• The Japanese do not expect foreigners to know the intricacies of greetings and social bowing.  
• A nod of the head is most acceptable and also expresses a Thank You or an apology.
• Small gifts such are graciously accepted.

Middle East

• Greetings are traditionally formal and may involve pleasantries as well as inquiries about you and your family’s well-being.
• The polite form of address is the title “Sayed” (Mr), “Sayeda” (Mrs) or Dr followed by the first name.
• You may be offered a cup of coffee, which you should gently shake from side to side to show that you have had enough.

Poland

• Businesswomen may be greeted with a kiss on the hand.
• A handshake confirms that a meeting is over.  Don’t mistake the handshake as a sign that a deal has been struck.
• A small gift may be particularly appreciated if you visit someone’s home.

Russia

• In business, suits are mandatory and jackets must remain on.
• Shake hands at the beginning and ending of meetings.  Always maintain eye contact.
• No surprise…a drink of vodka – inevitably follows the clinching of a deal.  It is acceptable to toast with a non-alcoholic drink.

Spain

• Handshakes are the rule, but don’t be the first to use body contact.
• Personal qualities are valued over professional ability so be prepared to spend time getting to know your host.
• Do not be offended if your host is late.  Spaniards are not known for the punctuality.

Sweden

• When doing business, expect to be addressed by your first name.
• Don’t wear anything too showy.   Appropriate business attire is recommended.
• Keep the conversation away from family life and never, ever use profanity or language that may be considered inappropriate by any stretch.

Business Etiquette,Etiquette,How To

Accepting (or Declining) Social Invitations:

• Be timely when responding to an invitation.  A good rule is to respond within 4-5 days.
• Dress according to the dress suggestions on the invitation.  If you’re not certain, don’t be shy to ask.
• Be punctual. Any more than 15 minutes is considered rude.   Don’t show up before the requested time of arrival.
• If the invitation does not specify that you may bring a guest, always check with you’re your host first. 
• It is most gracious to take along a hostess gift.  Chocolates, Wine or Champagne is most appropriate and appreciated.  For extra special occasions a personalized gift is a sure hit and will always be remembered.  See Mrs. Figgins list of favorite finds! 

Etiquette,Favorite Finds,How To,More Finds

Chivalry!

Many believe that proper etiquette is mainly reserved for special occasions, often times thinking of these genteel rules of conduct as tedious, even boring.  Volumes have been written on this subject.   

Proper etiquette isn’t just the act of speaking eloquently…but the ability to project graceful actions. Yes, even when we don’t feel it. 

The road to mastering proper etiquette is paved with simple building blocks.  

The fundamental courtesies in life do indeed apply.   There are, and forever will be, proper ways of conduct in situations be they formal or informal. 

Begin with the golden rule: treat others as politely as you would like a beloved family member treated.  Treat others with the same consideration you expect…I dare say, even more.   No exceptions. 

Pay it forward.  Your return on investment will exceed your wildest expectations!

Business Etiquette,Etiquette,How To,Love,Relationships,Topics