Here come the in-laws!

Dear Mrs. Figgins:  

My fiancé and I are in a quandary.   His mother and father actually told him that the bride’s parents should pay for hotel accommodations on the groom’s side of the family.  That will be 9 separate rooms for 3 days. 

His mother said it’s enough that their family is paying for airline tickets. 

My parents are not only paying for the entire wedding, they’re also paying for the rehearsal dinner.   I don’t think it’s fair, nor do I have the heart, to ask my parents to also pay for hotel rooms for his family.  

I don’t know how to handle this. 

Bride in the middle!  

 Dear Bride:

Your heart and your sense of fairness are in the right place.  So is your etiquette.  

It is the responsibility of the groom’s parents or family members to pay for their own travel expenses and accommodations.    

You might offer to help out by checking out hotels in the area, but you should not be expected to pick up the tab.   Discuss this with your fiancé.  It is his position to let his parents know that family members need to pay for their hotel and expenses.    

Proper etiquette dictates the rehearsal dinner be hosted by the groom’s parents.  However, if your parents have graciously offered to host it, no good will come of creating a stir with the in-laws now.    

It’s important to respect and honor your in-laws  – and wise to pick your battles judiciously.

Mrs. Figgins

Good manners aren’t just for formal occassions!

Many believe that proper etiquette is mainly reserved for special occasions, often times thinking of these genteel rules of conduct as tedious, even boring.  Volumes have been written on this subject. 

Proper etiquette isn’t just the act of speaking eloquently…but the ability to project graceful actions. Yes, even when we don’t feel it.

The fundamental things in life do apply.  There are and forever will be, proper ways to conduct one be the situation formal or informal. 

It is quite simple to master the use of proper etiquette.  It begins with the golden rule: treat others as politely as you would like a beloved family member to be treated.  Treat others with the same consideration you expect…I dare say, even more. 

Pay it forward.

• Never interrupt when someone is speaking.  Be interested (or appear so).  Be certain that the person speaking has finished before adding your own thoughts.

• Turn off your cell phone during meals, and whenever entering a restaurant. Make this a rule and it will become a habit!  

• Never speak with your mouth full of food.  Never.

•  Always RSVP to an invitation in a timely fashion.   Waiting until the last minute makes the host feel like you’re waiting for a better offer. 

• Always wait your turn in line and be mindful of others space.   You probably don’t like for anyone to be looking over your shoulder or crowding your space, therefore be aware of those around you.  Impatience is quite impolite.

Informal Table Setting Ideas

 Table Setting Etiquette:

For many sitting in front of endless cutlery and glassware at a dinner table, (especially at formal functions) is intimidating!  Which pieces belong to whom?  Which fork do I pick up first?  Is this glass mine or the person next to me?  

Don’t fret!  Just familiarize yourself with the basics and the rest will fall into place.

Here are a few simple tips will help you with formal or informal table setting etiquette.

Cutlery:  GOLDEN RULE: ALWAYS work from the “outside, in”    

Informal Entertaining

Dinner plate:   This is the first thing to be set on the table, and may serve as your guide to placement.. 

 Napkin:  The napkin may be folded or  put in a napkin ring and placed either to the left of the forks or on the center of the dinner plate.  You may instead choose to place a folded napkin under the forks, if that is your preference..

1-2 Knives:   Always to the right, and forks are always to the left.

2 Forks:  Place the forks to the left of the plate..   The larger of the two forks, the “dinner fork”   is used for the main course;  the smaller fork is used for the  salad or appetizer.     The forks are arranged according to when you will need to use them.   Therefore, if the  small fork is needed for an appetizer or a salad served before the main course, then it is placed on the left (outside) of the dinner fork.  Or, if the salad is served after the main course, then the small fork is placed to the right (inside) of the dinner fork, and next to the plate.

1 Dinner knife:  The dinner knife is set immediately to the right of the plate.  Make sure the “cutting” edge faces inward, toward the plate.   If the main course is meat, a steak knife can take the place of the dinner knife.  At an informal meal, the dinner knife may be used for all courses.  Only clean silverware should be placed on the table.  No exceptions!

• The soup spoon, if needed, will always be on the extreme right if being served as a first course, or second in from the right if being served as a second course.

• Dessert cutlery will always be at the top of the place setting with the fork facing right and the spoon positioned above this with the bowl facing left.

2 Spoons:    Spoons go to the right of the knife.  If the  soup is being served first,  the soupspoon should be set to the far (outside) right of the dinner knife. 

The teaspoon or dessert spoon, which will be used last, goes to the left (inside) of the soupspoon, next to the dinner knife.

 2 Glasses:   Drinking glasses of any kind – water, wine (juice or tea) – are placed at the top right of the dinner plate, above the knives and spoons.

Depending on how many different wines are being served, they will normally be positioned above the knives. They should be placed with the water glass to the extreme left, and then followed in the order for which they will be used, working from left to right. For example:

Water – Champagne – White Wine- Red Wine – Dessert Wine

Optional Dishes and Utensils:   Depending on what is being served, other dishes and utensils are optional.  The following may or may not be included:

Salad plate:    Should be placed to the left of the forks..

Bread plate with butter knife:   If used, the bread plate goes above the forks, with the butter knife placed diagonally across the edge of plate.  The handle should be on the right side with the blade facing down.

Dessert spoon and fork:   May be  placed either  beside the plate or horizontally above the dinner plate (the spoon on top with its handle facing to the right; the fork below with its handle facing left).  If placed beside the plate, the fork goes on the left side, closest to the plate (because it will be the last fork used) and the spoon goes on the right side of the plate, to the right of the dinner knife and to the left of the soupspoon.

Coffee cup and saucer:   The coffee cup and saucer are may be placed  above and to the right of the knife and spoons.  At home, it is common to serve coffee after the meal.  Cups and saucers are brought to the table and placed above and to the right of the knife and spoons.

It's really a small world...isn't it.

International  Business Etiquette Tips: 

United States

• Formal or casual business attire, neat in appearance, is acceptable.   Men may generally wear jeans or khaki pants w Business suit and tie is recommended for men and appropriate business suit or dress is recommended for women.  More informal wardrobe is acceptable in warm or hot rural areas.
• Casual jeans should be avoided, and shorts are a no-no in any business setting. 
• Upon greeting and leaving your meeting offers of a firm handshake. If you are meeting several people at once, maintain eye contact with the person you are shaking hands with, until you are moving on the next person.  Eye contact during conversation shows interest, sincerity and good manners.
•  It is acceptable for good friends to embrace..
•  Introductions should include Mr. Mrs. Ms or one’s title if appropriate ( ie:  Dr.)
• Business cards should be exchanged either before (preferably) or at the end of the meeting..
• Business conversation may take place during meals. However, more social conversation will create a stronger foundation.  It is important to be a good “listener”!  
• Business meetings may be arranged during breakfast, lunch or dinner time depending on time schedules. Dinner meetings are times not only to discuss the business at hand but equally as important to build rapport.
• A small host gift favor is appropriate, such as a box of chocolates, wine, or small souveneir.   However, many US companies discourage or limit any gift giving.   A graciously written note is always appreciated.
• Never use a toothpick in public in public.  Always have a piece of floss you can carry with you in a tissue, which you can use privately in the bathroom.
• Do not smoke.

China

• A handshake is appropriate and is usually accompanied with a nod or slight bow of the head.
• The Chinese like to be formally introduced.  If at first they seem unfriendly, it is because they are taught not to show emotion.
• Never refer to someone by their last name.
• Too much praise is considered poor etiquette.  Do not over-do with praise.

Italy

• First impressions are very important to the Italians.  A sense of fashionable (and proper) attire always goes a long way.
• Wait to be invited to address by first name.  Don’t be overly friendly at the onset. Mind your manners…and a sense of boundary.
• Punctuality for meetings is essential.

Japan

• The Japanese do not expect foreigners to know the intricacies of greetings and social bowing.  
• A nod of the head is most acceptable and also expresses a Thank You or an apology.
• Small gifts such are graciously accepted.

Middle East

• Greetings are traditionally formal and may involve pleasantries as well as inquiries about you and your family’s well-being.
• The polite form of address is the title “Sayed” (Mr), “Sayeda” (Mrs) or Dr followed by the first name.
• You may be offered a cup of coffee, which you should gently shake from side to side to show that you have had enough.

Poland

• Businesswomen may be greeted with a kiss on the hand.
• A handshake confirms that a meeting is over.  Don’t mistake the handshake as a sign that a deal has been struck.
• A small gift may be particularly appreciated if you visit someone’s home.

Russia

• In business, suits are mandatory and jackets must remain on.
• Shake hands at the beginning and ending of meetings.  Always maintain eye contact.
• No surprise…a drink of vodka – inevitably follows the clinching of a deal.  It is acceptable to toast with a non-alcoholic drink.

Spain

• Handshakes are the rule, but don’t be the first to use body contact.
• Personal qualities are valued over professional ability so be prepared to spend time getting to know your host.
• Do not be offended if your host is late.  Spaniards are not known for the punctuality.

Sweden

• When doing business, expect to be addressed by your first name.
• Don’t wear anything too showy.   Appropriate business attire is recommended.
• Keep the conversation away from family life and never, ever use profanity or language that may be considered inappropriate by any stretch.

Accept? Decline?

Accepting (or Declining) Social Invitations:

• Be timely when responding to an invitation.  A good rule is to respond within 4-5 days.
• Dress according to the dress suggestions on the invitation.  If you’re not certain, don’t be shy to ask.
• Be punctual. Any more than 15 minutes is considered rude.   Don’t show up before the requested time of arrival.
• If the invitation does not specify that you may bring a guest, always check with you’re your host first. 
• It is most gracious to take along a hostess gift.  Chocolates, Wine or Champagne is most appropriate and appreciated.  For extra special occasions a personalized gift is a sure hit and will always be remembered.  See Mrs. Figgins list of favorite finds!