Ask Mrs Figgins
- Free Advice & opinion on everyday issues – marriage, children, friendship, love, etiquette, politics & faith – dispensed by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Cupid Strikes!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I’ve been a widow for seven years.  My husband was an alcoholic.  We had three children.

All my life, I’ve put everyone else first.  I’ve been wife, mother, grandmother, aunt, godmother, school teacher and friend. 

Two years ago through friends I met a lovely man.  I’ll call him Frank.  We’re both in our 70’s and have fallen head over heels for each other.  We feel young again! 

My children have their own family and very active life.  Yet for some reason, everyone is up in arms.  It’s embarrassing.  Franks kids have been lovely.  Mine have been obstreperous. 

Even though I have no money (Frank does), my kids actually think I’m being taken for a ride.  If’ that’s true it’s a wonderful one.  He’s kind, romantic and generous.

For the years I have left which  good Lord blesses me with, I want to really live!

Do you think I’m being selfish?

Mrs. Gingsberg  

 

Dear Mrs. Ginsberg:

There’s a Yiddish saying:   “Old age, to the unlearned, is winter;  to the learned, it’s harvest time.”

Enjoy the harvest and the ride, Mrs. Gingsberg. 

Mrs. Figgins    

Love, Relationships, Retirement, advice

Can children have depression?

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:  

My husband John and I divorced last year.  We have a 10 year old son, Parker.   

John is in the military.  Throughout the years we’ve moved many places and I know this has been hard on Parker. 

We see children playing, interacting and having a good time with other kids.    Parker has little interest in others.  He seems listless.  There’s a disturbing sadness to our son.   

We keep thinking this is just a phase, but he’s not snapping out of it. 

Mrs. Figgins we are at a loss, and we’re beginning to panic.   Is it possible for a child to have depression? 

Have you ever heard of such a thing?

Myrna and John, Norfolk 

 

Dear Myrna and John:

My heart goes out to you.  

Unfortunately, an estimated 1 out of 10 children experience the symptoms of depression for long periods of time, and it may be difficult to tell whether your son is just going through a temporary “phase” or  if indeed he is suffering from depression.

It’s only been in the past couple of decades that depression in children has been taken seriously.

From your letter, some of the signs of depression may be present.

Talk with your pediatrician to rule out any physical problems, and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist whose specialty is children. 

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) a nonprofit organization established in 1953 is the leading national professional medical association dedicated to treating and improving the quality of life for children, adolescents, and families affected by these disorders.

The AACAP defines the child and adolescent psychiatrist as “a physician who specializes in the diagnosis and the treatment of disorders of thinking, feeling and/or behavior affecting children, adolescents, and their families.  A child and adolescent psychiatrist offers families the advantages of a medical education, the medical traditions of professional ethics, and medical responsibility for providing comprehensive care.”

It is important to get control of any potential problem immediately.

Mrs. Figgins

Children Issues, Love, Topics, advice

Can it be fixed?

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I am a 23 year old male.  I think my girlfriend is losing interest in our relationship. 

In the last few weeks, she’s stopped using the “we or us” in conversation. 

She’s been hanging with a couple of new friends, and gets pretty testy if I ask her the simplest questions.  Everything seems so secretive, and I feel like the outsider.

I admit that I’ve been an unreasonable idiot at times and a bit of a butthole once in a while.  But I do love her. 

Does it sound like I’m overreacting on this? 

Mikhail

 

Dear Mikhail:

It sounds like you may have given her good reason.

Jealousy clouds logic.  It can turn nice guys into idiots, and has ruined the best of relationships.   You already know this is a pattern.  Therefore, you must be extra sensitive to this fact.

This said, there are certain red flags that raise concern:  

• Being secretive or refusing to answer the simplest questions

• New or new “old” friends that she may not want to introduce you to

• Moving away from the “we or us” in her conversations and actions.

Sit down with your girlfriend when you are calm.   Encourage her to talk freely and honestly about her feelings regarding the two of you.  It’s very important that she feel safe.

If she is ready to move on, there may be nothing you can do about it.  But what you can do, is handle yourself in a steady and reasonable manner.  This doesn’t mean the outcome will hurt any less, if she has left emotionally.  But you’ll be amazed at the good that will later come when things are handled with love.

Mrs. Figgins

Love, Relationships, advice

 

It’s time.

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My boyfriend Daryn and I have been together for 3 years.   He is from the west coast, I am from the east coast.

We met in college, graduated, and because we were planning on getting married, I moved to the west coast to be with him.  

The problem is we have been living with his family – his entire family (mother, father two sisters and one brother).  Our move with his family was to be temporary, maximum 2-3 weeks, while we got ourselves settled.  It has now been 18 months and counting. 

His mother waits on him from the time he opens his eyes, until we go to bed at night.  Everyone else has a piece of Daryn at will too, including “friday night basketball with his friends”.  By the time we finally have time together, he wants sex and then it’s “goodnight”. 

I’ve talked and pleaded with him until I’m blue in the face.  All he says is “be patient, we have a good thing going.”   

I come from a very traditional and loving family.  While they didn’t agree with my move, they’ve been supportive in every way.  My parents as well as my sister are very concerned over my situation.  They are willing to come help pack up, and take me back home.   

Mrs. Figgins, we love each other and I don’t want to just give up, but I don’t want to be blind to the signs of “trouble ahead” right in front of me.    I’m old enough to know that life is not simple, but this is not what I believe to be normal either.

Did I move with him too soon?   Please tell me what you think!

Sarah from Maine

 

Dear Sarah:  

Yes you did, but fortunately it wasn’t down the aisle.

You need to think of your future, Sarah.  Your boyfriend has some growing up to do, and the signs couldn’t be more clear.

At this time you need support, which your parents and sister have lovingly offered.  Let them.

It will make your journey home a little easier.  

It’s time.

Mrs. Figgins

Love, Relationships, advice

We must protect the children.

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

This may not be any of my business, but I think one of my 7 year old son’s friends is horribly neglected.  

 This poor kid is filthy 99% of the time, and I don’t mean from a day on the playground.  His hair is caked and matted.  His nails are dirty. 

When he comes over to play, and I ask if he would like something to eat, he eats with desperation.

He’s a sweet, sensitive, and very timid boy.  Always polite.  He doesn’t complain or make any problems when he comes over.  He holds his little head down and seldom makes eye contact unless my husband asks him to look up when we’re talking at the dinner table. 

We don’t think there’s physical abuse, but it’s hard to tell with what he wears, and we’re not professional investigators.

This is keeping me awake at night because in my gut, something is very wrong.

What can we do?

Aida and Bill in Jersey

 

Dear Aida and Bill:

There is obviously something wrong. 

Physical or sexual abuse may be the most striking, because of the evidence left behind.  However, child neglect is the most frequent form of child abuse, and more difficult to spot.  

The result of any kind of abuse is the same – there is serious physical or emotional harm.

While child neglect may not always be deliberate, it is a failure to provide for a child’s most basic needs,  and endangers their psychological and physical well-being.

The child may be fearful, shy away, even hesitant to go home.   Clothing may be inappropriate for the weather, possibly covering evidence of physical abuse.

If you or anyone suspects a child is in immediate danger, please contact law enforcement immediately.

Below are Child Abuse Hotlines.  They know what questions to ask and what steps to take.

To get help in the U.S., call:    1-800-4-A-CHILD:     1-800-422-4453   –  http://www.childhelp.org/ 

To get help for child sexual abuse, call:    1-888-PREVENT    ( 1-888-773-8368 )  –  http://www.stopitnow.org/       

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network  (RAINN):  1-800-656-HOPE   –  http://www.rainn.org/ 

 Protecting the children is our most important charge.  You are doing the right thing.

Mrs. Figgins

Children Issues, How To, Love, Topics, advice

Pet Names?

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My boyfriend Richard has a good sense of humor, which sometimes has a harsh edge.  He’s started calling me by the pet name “Flattie Annie”. 

It drives me crazy and is particularly hurtful in front of people.  The other evening he made a big joke of it in front of friends.   The guys laughed, the girls didn’t think it was funny and stuck up for me.  The whole thing was embarrassing, and I cried myself to sleep that night.

I’ve tried to ask  him nicely to please stop, but he continues.

He says it’s all in “good affectionate fun”  (his words), because I have small breasts.  He likes big breasted girls and has been pushing for me to have breast augmentation. 

We’re not even married yet, and I don’t think I want to have this surgery.  Plus I really can’t afford it.   I’m still going to college.   

What can I do to make him stop?

Annie

 

Dear Annie:

Since it’s all in “good affectionate fun”, just start calling him “Little Dick”. 

At least before you say the I DO’S – you’ll find out if this guy is worth the price of admission.  

Mrs. Figgins

Love, Relationships, advice

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My brother and his wife are a great couple.  They are loving dedicate parents, with five kids.    

Two of the kids are college graduates, two will be graduating in the next two years, and one is still in high school.

Three years ago my niece, a college graduate, announced she is gay.  A few months ago,  my nephew, who “was” engaged, announced he is gay.  Yet, he remains best of friends with his former fiancé!   

My brother and sister-in-law have handled this with tremendous grace, and everyone seems to be one happy family.  The brothers and sisters are very supportive of each other and closer than ever. 

Meanwhile, the rest of us have been left shattered and confused.

How can this wonderful family can end up with two gay kids?  They always seemed so “together”.  What would make these two kids want to go in this direction?  

What went wrong?  What are we all missing?     What can I do? 

Family Members In Disbelief

 

Dear Family In Disbelief:

Your brother and his family are not missing a thing.  By the sounds of it, they’re quite “together”.  

Sexuality is an important part of who we are as humans.  Sexual orientation is not a personal choice.   It is a matter of genetics. 

The only thing wrong is the hardship any person endures as a result of prejudicial attitudes or misinformation.

The best thing you can do is be non-judgmental, supportive and loving.   

You have a wonderful family.    Make each moment count.

Mrs. Figgins

Love, One Village, Topics, advice

Calling.  Again.

 

Dear Mrs Figgins:

I am thinking of joining the military.

My granddad and father gave their life at war.  My brother has just been deployed.

Since I told Mama of my plans, she’s been real sad.  Sometimes I see her starring at me and a tear will roll down the side of her nose.   

She hasn’t forbidden me to sign up, but I know her heart is broken at the thought that either my brother or I could get hurt, or maybe not come home at all.   You know, I don’t blame her.

Mama and grandma raised us.  We had little money, but enough love to fill the oceans.

I don’t want to get killed either, and yeah I’m scared, but this is an opportunity to get an education, and help support my family down the line.

Mrs. Figgins, please shed some light.

Stuck between Little Rock and the recruiter

 

Dear Stuck: 

I begin by offering a heartfelt Thank You for the service your family has selflessly given the United States of America.  

Your decision is extremely difficult.  Your Mother’s loss has been unfathomable.

This is a very personal decision, and one that you must come to terms with in your heart and mind considering the many benefits and risks.

Either way, don’t spring any surprises on your Mother.  Be extra sensitive and tender with her.

Make sure to share your feelings and ideas every step of the way, so that she feels a part of your decision, or at least knows you have thought things thru carefully.

GOD BLESS.

Mrs. Figgins

Children Issues, Love, Opinion & Politics, Topics, advice

Where are we going?

 

We would like to share the following commentary written and recited by Ben Stein on CBS Sunday Morning.

Many around the world respect and share in this opinion.

Thank You, Mr. Stein.

Mrs. Figgins

 

“My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish.  And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees..  I don’t feel threatened.  I don’t feel discriminated against. That’s what they are:  Christmas trees.

It doesn’t bother me a bit when people say, ‘Merry Christmas’ to me.  I don’t think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto.  In fact, I kind of like it  It shows that we are all brothers and sisters

celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn’t bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in  Malibu  .  If people want a creche, it’s just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don’t like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don’t think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians.  I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period.  I have no idea where the concept came from that  America  is an explicitly atheist country.  I can’t find it in the Constitution and I don’t like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren’t allowed to worship God as we understand Him?  I guess that’s a sign that I’m getting old, too.  But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the  America  we knew went to..

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different:  This is not intended to be a joke;  it’s not funny, it’s intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham’s daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her ‘How could God let something like this happen?’ (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.  She said, ‘I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we’ve been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.  And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out.  How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?’

In light of recent events… terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.  I think it started when Madeleine Murray O’Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn’t want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.  Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.  The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself.  And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn’t spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr Spock’s son committed suicide).  We said an expert should know what he’s talking about.  And we said OK.

Now we’re asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don’t know right from wrong, and why it doesn’t bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.  I think it has a great deal to do with ‘WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.’

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world’s going to hell.   Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.  Funny how you can send ‘jokes’ through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.  Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you’re not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.  Pass it on if you think it has merit.  If not then just discard it… no one will know you did.  But, if you discard this thought process, don’t sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in. 

My Best Regards,  Honestly and respectfully,”

Ben Stein

Faith, One Village, Topics

Sometimes things go                     upside down for a while.

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:  

 I’m embarrassed to write this letter but, here it goes.   

This is my first marriage, my husband’s third.  I’m 33 he is 49.   We’re very much in love and have loads of fun together.  

Our sex life was going great guns the first couple of years,  but all of a sudden it’s come to a screeching halt.  I practically have to hang upside down naked to get him to notice me.     

Do you think having an affair might do the trick?   I have to come up with something!     

Totally Frustrated Wife

 

Dear Frustrated:   

The guns may not be smoking right now, but you love each other and have a good time together,  and that is a huge plus.    

Having an affair will most likely turn out to be a dissapearing trick – with him right on out the door.  

Counseling is the wisest course of action to find out what’s made you go upside down – and hopefully put things right side up again.  

Hang in there!

Love, Relationships, advice