Ask Mrs Figgins
- Free Advice & opinion on everyday issues – marriage, children, friendship, love, etiquette, politics & faith – dispensed by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Dreams of Grandeur

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I’m beyond stupified.  My husband Massimo and I have never believed in debt.  The kids are grown up and we’ve finally been able to save up for a new small car we can pay cash for.

Last week he told me that he has seen a doctor and wants a penis implant.  It’s going to be a few thousand dollars!   There goes our new car! 

I don’t want to sound stupid but why on earth would any man want to plant something in his penis when it’s not necessary!     

I hate to spoil his fantasy but what if it doesn’t work?  He’s just not thinking straight!  

After all, I think it’s been working just fine up to now.  

Isn’t my opinion important, too?  

Gerardina, Toms River 

 

Dear Gerardina:

I guess Massimo doesn’t’ want to settle for a compact when he can get a stretch hummer.    

Yes, your opinion is important and it sounds like this is important to him, too. 

You should both sit down and discuss all the pro’s and con’s, as there are potential  penile implant surgery risks, which include: infection, tissue erosion around the device, migration of the device, pain and malfunction.

Let your husband know that as far as you’re concerned all his parts are in perfect working order and in no need of repair.  

Mrs. Figgins

Love, Retirement, advice

 

Aren’t they              worth fighting for?

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

Don’t know where to begin so here it goes:

My wife and I have been married 12 years.  We have two kids, ages 7 and  12. 

I work hard, don’t have the income of a doctor or a lawyer,  I’m balding, and .    

Now to the hard part:  I overheard a conversation between my wife and one of our long time friends.   It’s possible that she’s having an affair with him.  I don’t think they’ve gone “all the way” but there’s no doubt there’s intimacy between them. 

They can’t wait to be together, but she told him she can’t bear to hurt me or the kids and doesn’t know what to do. 

I love my wife and kids and don’t want to lose them.  On the other hand, I want to do the right thing by my wife and don’t want to let her know I overheard the conversation.   It would humiliate her too much.

She makes fun of friends that go to marriage counseling, so there’s no use in trying to go that route.

Do you think I should be kind and just let her go?

I feel like I’ve lost my way.

Michael, DC

 

Dear Michael:

What exactly do you mean by “doing the right thing”? 

You love your wife and kids.  Your wife may be having an emotional affair – and you don’t want to talk to her about it?   Along with losing your way, it appears you’ve also lost your marbles and your self esteem.

If crawling away with your head down is an indication of how you’ve handle things, it’s no surprise your relationship is in such a sorry state.

For the sake of your children, I suggest you seek counseling before you make any life changing decisions. 

Gather the courage to sit down and have a calm heart to heart with you wife – preferably when the kids are in school.

Let your wife know how much you love her, and don’t want to lose her.   Try something novel and fight to keep your family together.   If you don’t, no one else will.

Do it all with kindness and a sense of dignity. 

If at the end, you part ways, you will know you did your best for your children.

Mrs. Figgins

Children Issues, Love, advice

Start Early!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

Our twin boys are turning 5 this coming February.  We’re having their birthday party at Grandma and Grandpa’s house.  Their Grandma is big on good manners.

We’re hoping to raise gentlemen – not wild bulls.

Are there etiquette rules that we should teach the boys at this early age and any we can follow ourselves?

Marv and Julie Stein

 

Dear Marv and Julie:

You’re correct in teaching the boys proper etiquette at an early age. 

To your point of not wanting to raise wild bulls, just know that even calves begin learning proper behavior or “social learning” as a crucial part of their development.

The birthday party is for the kids, but it’s important to be sensitive to Grandma and Grandpa as well, since it’s their house.

• Don’t distribute invitations at kindergarten unless you plan on inviting all the kids in the class.  Instead you should mail the invitations or call the parents directly.  You certainly don’t want for any of their classmates to feel left out.

• A good rule is to invite one guest for each year of the boys’ age, plus one.   Since you have twins, this formula applies for each birthday boy.   So, double the fun!

• Explain to the boys that they must greet each of their guests with:  “Hello, Thank You for coming to our party”.  This will be simple enough for them to handle.

• Make sure to have plenty of activities, games and plenty of supervision.

• As the guests begin to leave the boys should again say “Thank You” to each of their guests.  

These steps are simple enough for the boys to follow.

Here’s to double the fun!

Mrs. Figgins

Children Issues, Etiquette, How To, Love, advice

So that we may be free.

 As we share this Thanksgiving Day with our family and friends our hearts are full of gratitude for the sacrifices made by the brave men and women of the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, Air Force and Coast Guard.

Many will not be sharing this day with their loved ones, because they are far away serving our country.  They are risking their lives so that we can be safe at home.

May GOD bless and protect each and every one of these men and women who are fighting to make the world a better and safer place for our children and grandchildren.

May GOD bless and protect the United States of America.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Mrs. Figgins

Thank You to our readers for sharing the Thanksgiving Prayers below.

 

A Thanksgiving Day Prayer

Lord, so often times, as any other day
When we sit down to our meal and pray

We hurry along and make fast the blessing
Thanks, amen. Now please pass the dressing

We’re slaves to the olfactory overload
We must rush our prayer before the food gets cold

But Lord, I’d like to take a few minute more
To really give thanks to what I’m thankful for

For my family, my health, a nice soft bed
My friends, my freedom, a roof over my head

I’m thankful right now to be surrounded by those
Whose lives touch me more than they’ll ever possibly know

Thankful Lord, that You’ve blessed me beyond measure
Thankful that in my heart lives life’s greatest treasure

That You, dear Jesus, reside in that place
And I’m ever so grateful for Your unending grace

So please, heavenly Father, bless this food You’ve provided
And bless each and every person invited

Amen!

–Scott Wesemann

 

Thanksgiving

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

–Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

 

 

Long may she waive.

 

Faith, How To, Love, Opinion & Politics, Topics, advice

Those darn nicknames!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I’m up to my eyeballs in frustration.  My best friend refers to me (and everyone else) as “Babes”.

My husband has picked up on this term and now he’s using it.    He says he doesn’t understand why I’m making such a big deal.

How should I handle this?  

Jasmine in Ohio

 

Dear Jasmine:

If you can’t beat them join them.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, Babes.  Consider it a term of endearment. 

Mrs. Figgins

Love, Relationships, advice

Educate.

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:  

 I’m a 17 year old man.

Embarrassing to admit, I honestly thought I would be one of the few guys not to have sex before getting married.  I’m not.   I had sex and I think I’m in trouble.

When I pee it hurts so bad because of the swelling and there is some type of discharge.    

I think I may have gotten something from sex but I’m afraid to go anywhere to find out.  I know you’re not a guy but maybe you can help.   

My parents are religious and they believe that abstinence is the only way to go but that isn’t helping at this minute.

Am I in big trouble here?  Do you think I have AIDS?

Jason, Vancouver

 

Dear Jason:

Calm down.   You need to see a doctor right away.

I am certainly not a doctor but one of the possibilities is Chlamydia. 

If this is the case your doctor may prescribe oral antibiotics and, in an effort to prevent reinfection and further spread of the disease, may also recommend that your sex partner be treated as well. 

If you do not get treatment,  you run the risk of additional health problems.

YES, you should tell your parents what’s going on right away.  They will help you through this and ensure you get the proper treatment.

It’s time to grow up and know that life has consequences.  

Your parents are correct.

Mrs. Figgins

Love, Relationships, advice

JUST STOP. NOW.

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My girlfriend refuses to kiss me because she says I smoke.  

I personally think she’s losing her marbles. 

What can I do about this?

Jonathan

 

Dear Jonathan: 

She says you smoke.   If that’s not true, then maybe you’d have a case.

If it’s true, then you’re the one with the missing marbles.  

Girlfriend or not:  STOP SMOKING.

Mrs. Figgins

We would like to express our gratitude to the American Cancer Society for the following information. 

Mrs. Figgins

Love, Relationships, advice

Smokers Lung

 

HELP Guide To Quitting Smoking

What do I need to know about quitting?

The U.S. Surgeon General has said, “Smoking cessation (stopping smoking) represents the single most important step that smokers can take to enhance the length and quality of their lives.”

Quitting smoking is not easy, but you can do it. To have the best chance of quitting and staying quit, you need to know what you’re up against, what your options are, and where to go for help. You’ll find this information here.

Why is it so hard to quit smoking?

Mark Twain said, “Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.” Maybe you’ve tried to quit, too. Why is quitting and staying quit hard for so many people? The answer is nicotine.

Nicotine

Nicotine is a drug found naturally in tobacco. It is as addictive as heroin or cocaine. Over time, a person becomes physically and emotionally addicted to (dependent on) nicotine. Studies have shown that smokers must deal with both the physical and psychological (mental) dependence to quit and stay quit.

How nicotine gets in, where it goes, and how long it stays

When you inhale smoke, nicotine is carried deep into your lungs. There it is quickly absorbed into the bloodstream and carried throughout your body. Nicotine affects many parts of the body, including your heart and blood vessels, your hormones, the way your body uses food (your metabolism), and your brain. Nicotine can be found in breast milk and even in mucus from the cervix of a female smoker. During pregnancy, nicotine freely crosses the placenta and has been found in amniotic fluid and the umbilical cord blood of newborn infants.

Different factors affect how long it takes the body to remove nicotine and its by-products. In most cases, regular smokers will still have nicotine or its by-products, such as cotinine, in their bodies for about 3 to 4 days after stopping.

How nicotine hooks smokers

Nicotine causes pleasant feelings that make the smoker want to smoke more. It also acts as a kind of depressant by interfering with the flow of information between nerve cells. Smokers tend to increase the number of cigarettes they smoke as the nervous system adapts to nicotine. This, in turn, increases the amount of nicotine in the smoker’s blood. In fact, nicotine inhaled in cigarette smoke reaches the brain faster than drugs that enter the body through a vein (intravenously or IV).

After a while, the smoker develops a tolerance to the drug. Tolerance means that it takes more nicotine to get the same effect that the smoker used to get from smaller amounts. This leads to an increase in smoking over time. The smoker reaches a certain nicotine level and then keeps smoking to maintain this level of nicotine.

Nicotine withdrawal symptoms can lead quitters back to smoking

When smokers try to cut back or quit, the lack of nicotine leads to withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal is both physical and mental. Physically, the body reacts to the absence of nicotine. Mentally, the smoker is faced with giving up a habit, which calls for a major change in behavior. Both the physical and mental factors must be addressed for the quitting process to work.

Those who have smoked regularly for a few weeks or longer, and suddenly stop using tobacco or greatly reduce the amount smoked, will have withdrawal symptoms. Symptoms usually start within a few hours of the last cigarette and peak about 2 to 3 days later when most of the nicotine and its by-products are out of the body. Withdrawal symptoms can last for a few days to up to several weeks. They will get better every day that you stay smoke-free.

Withdrawal symptoms can include any of the following:

• dizziness (which may only last 1 to 2 days after quitting)

• depression

• feelings of frustration, impatience, and anger

• anxiety

• irritability

• sleep disturbances, including having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, and having bad dreams or even nightmares

• trouble concentrating

• restlessness or boredom

• headaches

• tiredness

• increased appetite

• weight gain

• constipation and gas

• cough, dry mouth, sore throat, and nasal drip

• chest tightness

These symptoms can lead the smoker to start smoking cigarettes again to boost blood levels of nicotine back to a level where there are no symptoms. (For information on coping with withdrawal, see the section, “How to quit.”)

Smoking also makes your body get rid of some drugs faster than usual. When you quit smoking, it may change the way your body handles medicines. Ask your doctor if any medicines you take regularly need to be checked or changed after you quit.

Why should I quit?

Your health

Health concerns usually top the list of reasons people give for quitting smoking. This is a very real concern: Half of all smokers who keep smoking will end up dying from a smoking-related illness. In the U.S. alone, smoking is responsible for nearly 1 in 5 deaths, and about 8.6 million people suffer from smoking-related lung and heart diseases.

Cancer

Nearly everyone knows that smoking can cause lung cancer, but few people realize it is also a risk factor for many other kinds of cancer too, including cancer of the mouth, voice box (larynx), throat (pharynx), esophagus, bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix, stomach, and some leukemias.

Lung diseases

Pneumonia is included in the list of diseases known to be caused by smoking. Smoking also increases your risk of getting lung diseases like emphysema and chronic bronchitis. These diseases are grouped together under the term COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease). COPD causes on-going (chronic) illness and disability, and worsens over time — sometimes becoming fatal. Emphysema and chronic bronchitis can be found in people as young as 40, but are usually found later in life, when the symptoms get much worse. Long-term smokers have the highest risk of developing severe COPD.

Heart attacks, strokes, and blood vessel diseases

Smokers are twice as likely to die from heart attacks as are non-smokers. And smoking is a major risk factor for peripheral vascular disease, a narrowing of the blood vessels that carry blood to the leg and arm muscles. Smoking also affects the walls of the vessels that carry blood to the brain (carotid arteries), which can cause strokes. Men who smoke are more likely to develop erectile dysfunction (impotence) because of blood vessel disease.

Blindness and other problems

Smoking causes an increased risk of macular degeneration, one of the most common causes of blindness in older people. It also causes premature wrinkling of the skin, bad breath, gum and tooth problems, bad-smelling clothes and hair, yellow fingernails.

Special risks to women and babies

Women have some unique risks linked to smoking. Women over 35 who smoke and use birth control pills have a higher risk of heart attack, stroke, and blood clots of the legs. Women who smoke are more likely to miscarry (lose the baby) or have a lower birth-weight baby. And low birth-weight babies are more likely to die, or have learning and physical problems.

Years of life lost due to smoking

Based on data collected in the late 1990s, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimated that adult male smokers lost an average of 13.2 years of life and female smokers lost 14.5 years of life because of smoking. And given the diseases that smoking can cause, it can steal your quality of life long before you die. Smoking-related illness can limit your activities by making it harder to breathe, get around, work, or play.

Why quit now?

No matter how old you are or how long you’ve smoked, quitting can help you live longer and be healthier. People who stop smoking before age 50 cut their risk of dying in the next 15 years in half compared with those who keep smoking. Ex-smokers enjoy a higher quality of life with fewer illnesses from cold and flu viruses, better self-reported health, and reduced rates of bronchitis and pneumonia.

For decades the Surgeon General has reported the health risks linked to smoking. In 1990, the Surgeon General concluded:

• Quitting smoking has major and immediate health benefits for men and women of all ages. These benefits apply to people who already have smoking-related disease and those who don’t.

• Ex-smokers live longer than people who keep smoking.

• Quitting smoking lowers the risk of lung cancer, other cancers, heart attack, stroke, and chronic lung disease.

• Women who stop smoking before pregnancy or during the first 3 to 4 months of pregnancy reduce their risk of having a low birth-weight baby to that of women who never smoked.

• The health benefits of quitting smoking are far greater than any risks from the small weight gain (usually less than 10 pounds) or any emotional or psychological problems that may follow quitting.

When smokers quit — What are the benefits over time?

20 minutes after quitting: Your heart rate and blood pressure drops.

(Mahmud A, Feely J. Effect of Smoking on Arterial Stiffness and Pulse Pressure Amplification. Hypertension. 2003;41:183.)

12 hours after quitting: The carbon monoxide level in your blood drops to normal.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1988, p. 202)

2 weeks to 3 months after quitting: Your circulation improves and your lung function increases.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, pp. 193, 194, 196, 285, 323)

1 to 9 months after quitting: Coughing and shortness of breath decrease; cilia (tiny hair-like structures that move mucus out of the lungs) regain normal function in the lungs, increasing the ability to handle mucus, clean the lungs, and reduce the risk of infection.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, pp. 285-287, 304)

1 year after quitting: The excess risk of coronary heart disease is half that of a smoker’s.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, p. vi)

5 years after quitting: Your stroke risk is reduced to that of a non-smoker 5 to 15 years after quitting.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, p. vi)

10 years after quitting: The lung cancer death rate is about half that of a person who continues smoking. The risk of cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus, bladder, cervix, and pancreas decrease, too.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, pp. vi, 131, 148, 152, 155, 164, 166)

15 years after quitting: The risk of coronary heart disease is the same as a non-smoker’s.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, p. vi)

Immediate rewards of quitting

Kicking the tobacco habit offers some benefits that you’ll notice right away and some that will develop over time. These rewards can improve your day-to-day life a great deal:

• your breath smells better

• stained teeth get whiter

• bad smelling clothes and hair go away

• your yellow fingers and fingernails disappear

• food tastes better

• your sense of smell returns to normal

• everyday activities no longer leave you out of breath (such as climbing stairs or light housework)

Cost

The prospect of better health is a major reason for quitting, but there are other reasons, too. Smoking is expensive. It isn’t hard to figure out how much you spend on smoking: multiply how much money you spend on tobacco every day by 365 (days per year). The amount may surprise you. Now multiply that by the number of years you have been using tobacco and that amount will probably shock you.

Multiply the cost per year by 10 (for the next 10 years) and ask yourself what you would rather do with that much money.

And this doesn’t include other possible costs, such as higher costs for health and life insurance, and likely health care costs due to tobacco-related problems.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, pp. vi, 131, 148, 152, 155, 164, 166)

15 years after quitting: The risk of coronary heart disease is the same as a non-smoker’s.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, p. vi)

 

HELP is available.  

American Cancer Society:     http://www.cancer.org

National organizations and Web sites:

If you want to quit smoking and need help, contact the American Cancer Society has a list of resources

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PED/content/PED_10_13X_Guide_for_Quitting_Smoking.asp?sitearea=PED

 

 

How To, Love, Topics, advice

Protect The Children.

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

Fifteen years ago my uncle molested me.  I was 9 years old and he was 14.  It went on for 3 years, until his family moved out of town.

I grew up, got married and had two children.  My kids are now 5 and 7.

I saw my uncle again for the first time 6 months ago.  Call me crazy but we somehow began having an affair and I ended up having a miscarriage.

I’m completely taken by him and find myself sneaking around just to be with him.

My husband doesn’t know about any of this.  I don’t want to be sorry if I leave my marriage and things don’t go right.

What do you think?

Shirley

 

Dear Shirley:

Never mind what I think.  What I know is that your kids are at risk. 

Your uncle molested you and he is a predator.  The fact that you are knowingly and willingly involved with a child molester makes you an unfit mother. 

The right thing to do is to tell your husband and family the truth about your involvement. 

At they will be able to do what you obviously can’t which is protect your kids from a child molester as well as your own actions.

Don’t ever allow your uncle to come near your kids. 

Mrs. Figgins

Children Issues, Love, Topics, advice

KEEPING KIDS SAFE!

 

A very special Thank You to HELPGUIDE.ORG for the following information and guide.

This information is intended only as a guide.

We have no more important charge than to protect the children.

Mrs. Figgins

 

• If you suspect a child is in immediate danger contact law enforcement as soon as possible.

• To get help in the U.S., call:
  1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) – Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline

• To get help for child sexual abuse, call:    1-888-PREVENT (1-888-773-8368) – Stop It Now   

• 1-800-656-HOPE Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

Warning Signs of Abuse and How to Report It

In the USA, an estimated 906,000 children are victims of abuse & neglect every year, making child abuse as common as it is shocking. Whether the abuse is physical, emotional, sexual, or neglect, the scars can be deep and long-lasting, often leading to future child abuse. You can learn the signs and symptoms of child abuse and help break the cycle, finding out where to get help for the children and their caregivers.

Facts about child abuse and neglect

How could anyone abuse a defenseless child? Most of us can’t imagine what would make an adult abuse a child. The worse the behavior is, the more unimaginable it seems. Yet sadly, child abuse is much more common then you might think. Child abuse cuts across social classes and all ethnicities. And the abuse overwhelmingly is at the hands of those who are supposed to be protecting the child- the parents.

What is child abuse?

Child abuse happens in many different ways, but the result is the same- serious physical or emotional harm. Physical or sexual abuse may be the most striking types of abuse, since they often unfortunately leave physical evidence behind. However, emotional abuse and neglect are serious types of child abuse that are often more subtle and difficult to spot. Child neglect is the most common type of child abuse.

How can child abuse happen?

There are many complicated factors that lead to child abuse.

Risk factors for child abuse include:

• History of child abuse. Unfortunately, the patterns we learn in childhood are often what we use as parents. Without treatment and insight, sadly, the cycle of child abuse often continues.

• Stress and lack of support. Parenting can be a very time intensive, difficult job. Parents caring for children without support from family, friends or the community can be under a lot of stress. Teen parents often struggle with the maturity and patience needed to be a parent. Caring for a child with a disability, special needs or difficult behaviors is also a challenge. Caregivers who are under financial or relationship stress are at risk as well.

• Alcohol or drug abuse. Alcohol and drug abuse lead to serious lapses in judgment. They can interfere with impulse control making emotional and physical abuse more likely. Due to impairment caused by being intoxicated, alcohol and drug abuse frequently lead to child neglect.

• Domestic violence. Witnessing domestic violence in the home, as well as the chaos and instability that is the result, is emotional abuse to a child. Frequently domestic violence will escalate to physical violence against the child as well.

The lasting effects of child abuse

All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self and ability to have healthy relationships.

You can make a difference

One of the most painful effects of child abuse is its tendency to repeat itself. One of every three abused or neglected children will grow up to become an abusive parent. You may be reluctant to interfere in someone’s family, but you can make a huge difference in a child’s life if you do. The earlier abused children get help, the greater chance they have to heal from their abuse and not perpetuate the cycle.

Physical child abuse: Warning signs and how to help

Many physically abusive parents and caregivers insist that their actions are simply forms of discipline, ways to make children learn to behave. But there’s a big difference between giving an unmanageable child a swat on the backside and twisting the child’s arm until it breaks. Physical abuse can include striking a child with the hand, fist, or foot or with an object, burning, shaking, pushing, or throwing a child; pinching or biting the child, pulling a child by the hair or cutting off a child’s air. Another form of child abuse involving babies is shaken baby syndrome, in which a frustrated caregiver shakes a baby roughly to make the baby stop crying, causing brain damage that often leads to severe neurological problems and even death.

Warning signs of physical abuse

Physical signs. Sometimes physical abuse has clear warning signs, such as unexplained bruises, welts, or cuts. While all children will take a tumble now and then, look for age-inappropriate injuries, injuries that appear to have a pattern such as marks from a hand or belt, or a pattern of severe injuries.

Behavioral signs. Other times, signs of physical abuse may be more subtle. The child may be fearful, shy away from touch or appear to be afraid to go home. A child’s clothing may be inappropriate for the weather, such as heavy, long sleeved pants and shirts on hot days.

Caregiver signs. Physically abusive caregivers may display anger management issues and excessive need for control. Their explanation of the injury might not ring true, or may be different from an older child’s description of the injury.

Is physical punishment the same as physical abuse?

Physical punishment, the use of physical force with the intent of inflicting bodily pain, but not injury, for the purpose of correction or control, used to be a very common form of discipline. Most of us know it as spanking or paddling. Many of us may feel we were spanked as children without damage to body or psyche. The widespread use of physical punishment, however, doesn’t necessarily make it a good idea. The level of force used by an angry or frustrated parent can easily get out of hand and lead to injury. Even if it doesn’t, what a child learns from being hit as punishment is less about why conduct is right or wrong than about behaving well — or hiding bad behavior — out of fear of being hit.

Emotional child abuse

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Emotional child abuse may seem invisible. However, because emotional child abuse involves behavior that interferes with a child’s mental health or social development, the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical abuse.

Emotional child abuse takes many forms, in words and in actions.

Words. Examples of how words can hurt include constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating a child, calling names and making negative comparisons to others, or constantly telling a child he or she is “no good,” “worthless,” “bad,” or “a mistake.” How the words are spoken can be terrifying to a child as well, such as yelling, threatening, or bullying.

Actions. Basic food and shelter may be provided, but withholding love and affection can have devastating effects on a child. Examples include ignoring or rejecting a child, giving him or her the silent treatment. Another strong component of emotional abuse is exposing the child to inappropriate situations or behavior. Especially damaging is witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as in domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused.

Signs of emotional child abuse

Behavioral signs. Since emotional child abuse does not leave concrete marks, the effects may be harder to detect. Is the child excessively shy, fearful or afraid of doing something wrong? Behavioral extremes may also be a clue. A child may be constantly trying to parent other children for example, or on the opposite side exhibit antisocial behavior such as uncontrolled aggression. Look for inappropriate age behaviors as well, such as an older child exhibiting behaviors more commonly found in younger children.

Caregiver signs. Does a caregiver seem unusually harsh and critical of a child, belittling and shaming him or her in front of others? Has the caregiver shown anger or issues with control in other areas? A caregiver may also seem strangely unconcerned with a child’s welfare or performance. Keep in mind that there might not be immediate caregiver signs. Tragically, many emotionally abusive caregivers can present a kind outside face to the world, making the abuse of the child all the more confusing and scary.

Sexual child abuse

Sexual abuse, defined as any sexual act between an adult and a child, has components of both physical and emotional abuse. Sexual abuse can be physical, such as inappropriate fondling, touching and actual sexual penetration. It can also be emotionally abusive, as in cases where a child is forced to undress or exposing a child to adult sexuality. Aside from the physical damage that sexual abuse can cause, the emotional component is powerful and far reaching. The layer of shame that accompanies sexual abuse makes the behavior doubly traumatizing. While news stories of sexual predators are scary, what is even more frightening is that the adult who sexually abuses a child or adolescent is usually someone the child knows and is supposed to trust: a relative, childcare provider, family friend, neighbor, teacher, coach, or clergy member. Children may worry that others won’t believe them and will be angry with them if they tell. They may believe that the abuse is their fault, and the shame is devastating and can cause lifelong effects.

Signs of sexual child abuse

• Behavioral signs. Does the child display knowledge or interest in sexual acts inappropriate to his or her age, or even seductive behavior? A child might appear to avoid another person, or display unusual behavior- either being very aggressive or very passive. Older children might resort to destructive behaviors to take away the pain, such as alcohol or drug abuse, self-mutilation, or suicide attempts.

• Physical signs. A child may have trouble sitting or standing, or have stained, bloody or torn underclothes. Swelling, bruises, or bleeding in the genital area is a red flag. An STD or pregnancy, especially under the age of 14, is a strong cause of concern.

• Caregiver signs. The caregiver may seem to be unusually controlling and protective of the child, limiting contact with other children and adults. Again, as with other types of abuse, sometimes the caregiver does not give outward signs of concern. This does not mean the child is lying or exaggerating.

Sexual child abuse: The online risk

Children who use the Internet are also vulnerable to Internet predators. Among the warning signs of online sexual child abuse are these:

• Your child spends large amounts of time online, especially at night, and may turn the computer monitor off or quickly change the screen on the monitor when you come into the room.

• You find pornography on your child’s computer.

• Your child receives phone calls or mail from people you don’t know, or makes calls to numbers that you don’t recognize.

• Your child becomes withdrawn from the family.

Child neglect

Child neglect is the most frequent form of child abuse. Neglect is a pattern of failing to provide for a child’s basic needs, endangering a child’s physical and psychological well-being. Child neglect is not always deliberate. Sometimes, a caregiver becomes physically or mentally unable to care for a child, such as in untreated depression or anxiety. Other times, alcohol or drug abuse may seriously impair judgment and the ability to keep a child safe. The end result, however, is a child who is not getting their physical and/or emotional needs met.

Warning signs of child neglect

• Physical signs. A child may consistently be dressed inappropriately for the weather, or have ill-fitting, dirty clothes and shoes. They might appear to have consistently bad hygiene, like appearing very dirty, matted and unwashed hair, or noticeable body odor. Another warning sign is untreated illnesses and physical injuries.

• Behavioral signs. Does the child seem to be unsupervised? Schoolchildren may be frequently late or tardy. The child might show troublesome, disruptive behavior or be withdrawn and passive.

• Caregiver signs. Does the caregiver have problems with drugs or alcohol? While most of us have a little clutter in the home, is the caregiver’s home filthy and unsanitary? Is there adequate food in the house? A caregiver might also show reckless disregard for the child’s safety, letting older children play unsupervised or leaving a baby unattended. A caregiver might refuse or delay necessary health care for the child.

What to do if a child reports abuse

You may feel overwhelmed and confused if a child begins talking to you about abuse. It is a difficult subject and hard to accept, and you might not know what to say. The best help you can provide is calm, unconditional support and reassurance. Let your actions speak for you if you are having trouble finding the words. Remember that it is a tremendous act of courage for children to come forward about abuse. They might have been told specifically not to tell, and may even feel that the abuse is normal. They might feel they are to blame for the abuse. The child is looking to you to provide support and help- don’t let him or her down.

Avoid denial and remain calm. A common reaction to news as unpleasant and shocking as child abuse is denial. However, if you display denial to a child, or show shock or disgust at what they are saying, the child may be afraid to continue and will shut down. As hard as it may be, remain as calm and reassuring as you can.

Don’t interrogate. Let the child explain to you in his/her own words what happened, but don’t interrogate the child or ask leading questions. This may confuse and fluster the child and make it harder for them to continue their story.

Reassure the child that they did nothing wrong. It takes a lot for a child to come forward about abuse. Reassure him or her that you take what is said seriously, and that it is not the child’s fault.

Reporting child abuse and neglect

Reporting child abuse seems so official. Many people are reluctant to get involved in other families’ lives. However, by reporting, you can make a tremendous difference in the life of a child and the child’s family, especially if you help stop the abuse early. Early identification and treatment can help mitigate the long-term effects of abuse. If the abuse is stopped and the child receives competent treatment, the abused child can begin to regain a sense of self-confidence and trust. Some parents may also benefit from support, parent training and anger management.

Reporting child abuse: Myths and Facts

• I don’t want to interfere in some one else’s family. The effects of child abuse are lifelong, affecting future relationships, self esteem, and sadly putting even more children at risk of abuse as the cycle continues. Help break the cycle of child abuse.

• What if I break up someone’s home? The priority in child protective services is keeping children in the home. A child abuse report does not mean a child is automatically removed from the home – unless the child is clearly in danger. Support such as parenting classes, anger management or other resources may be offered first to parents if safe for the child.

• They will know it was me who called. Reporting is anonymous. In most states, you do not have to give your name when you report child abuse. The child abuser cannot find out who made the report of child abuse.

• It won’t make a difference what I have to say. If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it is better to be safe than sorry. Even if you don’t see the whole picture, others may have noticed as well, and a pattern can help identify child abuse that might have otherwise slipped through the cracks.

Child Abuse Hotlines: Where to call to get help or report abuse

• If you suspect a child is in immediate danger contact law enforcement as soon as possible.

• To get help in the U.S., call:
  1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) – Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline

• To get help for child sexual abuse, call:  1-888-PREVENT (1-888-773-8368) – Stop It Now

• 1-800-656-HOPE Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

Child abuse prevention

Reducing the incidence of child abuse is a matter of intervention and education.

Intervention

In some cases, as in cases of extreme cruelty, sexual abuse, and severe alcohol and drug abuse, children are safer away from the caregiver. Not all abusive parents intend harm to their children, however. Some parents need help to realize that they are hurting their children, and can work on their problems. Some examples include:

• Domestic violence. A mother might be trying to do her best to protect her children from an abusive husband, not realizing that the children are being emotionally abused even if they are not physically abused. Helping a mother leave an abusive relationship and getting supportive counseling can help stop these children from being abused.

• Alcohol and drug abuse. Alcohol and drug abusers may be so focused on their addiction that they are hurting their children without realizing it. Getting appropriate help and support for alcohol and drug abuse can help parents focus back on their children.

• Untreated mental illness. A depressed mother might not be able to respond to her own needs much less her children’s. A caregiver suffering from emotional trauma may be distant and withdrawn from her children, or quick to anger without understanding why. Treatment for the caregiver means better care for the children.

In some cases, you might be able to provide support for parents/caregivers who need help yourself. What if a parent or caregiver comes to you? The key is not to be self-righteous or judgmental, which can alienate caregivers, but offer support and concrete offers of help, such as helping them connect with community resources. If you feel that your safety or the safety of the child would be threatened if you try to intervene, leave it to the professionals. You may be able to provide more support later after the initial professional intervention.

Education

Some caregivers have not learned the skills necessary for good parenting. Teen parents, for example, might have unrealistic expectations about how much care babies need or why toddlers can be so prone to tantrums. Other times, previous societal and cultural expectations of good child raising may not be considered so today. In previous generations and in many cultures, for example, strict physical discipline was considered to be essential in teaching a child to behave. Education can greatly help caregivers who need information on raising children. Parenting classes can not only be effective for teen parents, but for parents who themselves were abused and need to learn new parenting patterns. Education on managing stress and building healthier relationships also helps caregivers.

Children need education as well to help protect against abuse. They need to know that abuse is never their fault and is never “OK”. Teaching a child about inappropriate touch and that they should never keep secrets that make them uncomfortable can help prevent sexual abuse.

For caregivers

Do you see yourself in some of these descriptions, painful as it may be? Do you feel angry and frustrated and don’t know where to turn? Caring for children can be very difficult. Don’t go it alone.

Ask for help if you need it. If you don’t have a friend or family to turn to, call the child abuse hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD, yourself.

The hotline is also designed to get you support and find resources in the community that can help you.

Children Issues, How To, Love, Topics, advice